In this episode, we're talking about The Messy Middle, that moment right before the actual breakthrough where you feel like you are about to call it quits.  Hopefully this episode will normalize your experience and make you more available for your breakthrough sooner rather than later. You ready? Let's do it. 

Hello. You are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life both on and off the stage.  

 Hello, and welcome back to episode 91 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast.  I feel like  I have lived a million lives since our last episode, and in full transparency as I'm recording this, I am extremely tired. I just did not sleep very well last night and ended up kind of like doing my nails and watching a show till like three in the morning. Definitely not my usual routine.  And sometimes you just have to go along for the ride. 

So  truly I have lived a million lives since our last episode. I am wrapping up my final week of my mastermind with Serena Hicks and I have learned so much and have intentionally been  putting myself in a space to grow as an entrepreneur, as a business owner, as a coach.

And really, to like do the deep work of healing my own journey with money and allowing myself to receive more of it, which  I'm like always here for. And I love that my clients are also reaping the benefits of me doing this work. Something that came out of this mastermind was experiencing and naming what I'm now calling The Messy Middle.

And if you're not on my email list, make sure to get on it because I sent this out as an email and I wanted to kind of  put it on the podcast, so it's here as an additional resource.   So you can go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/emails to get on the list and the value and the like yummy coaching can get right to you in your inbox. 

So I was talking about what I've been calling The Messy Middle, and my clients were literally emailing me like, oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. This is exactly what I've been going through. And I know because I'm walking the walk too, I'm also in the process of constantly. Upleveling, challenging myself, growing my self concept, like, stretching.  actively stretching to become who I want to be. And so in that process of change, in the process of transformation, sometimes we can be in what I'm calling The Messy Middle, where everything feels like shit. 

And it's sort of like  cocktail of Identity Amnesia. If you haven't listened to that podcast, go back and listen to it.  Identity Amnesia combined with like, efforting  because  part of what's required to grow our belief to practice our belief is air quote effort, right? Like we have to be willing to put in the reps and the practice of doing things that feel outside of our comfort zone and things that  maybe don't align with who we are now, right? Like we're doing things that align with our Future Selves. That's how we grow. And so as we're taking new action, as we are like doing what feels challenging, because our Self Concept hasn't caught up, right. When we're having Identity Amnesia and like what we're doing feels scary and terrifying to our ego, the part of our self that's trying to like latch on for dear life, all of that is tiring. Like growth is uncomfortable and I would say that's the discomfort of the growth. When we're in The Messy Middle. 

Where, I sort of said this in the email, it feels like you're kind of like going around and around in a washing machine. And, I don't know, or a shoe. Like you washed your sneakers and now it's just like clunking around in the dryer. And you're like, God damn it. Where is the relief? Where is the ease? This feels hard. This is uncomfortable. I want to check out. I don't want to do this anymore.  Like  I just want to share this on the podcast because that moment that Messy Middle is so normal and actually that Messy Middle that moment of growth  is an indicator that you are literally on the verge of a breakthrough,  right?

Like,  maybe I've said it in different ways, but it's like you're hitting the Upper Limit of what you're allowing yourself to receive,  which I think can manifest in a few different ways. But essentially The Messy Middle is like right before you're about to shed  the skin. Your old skin.  That sounds so gross, but you know what I mean? Like a snake shedding its skin,  a caterpillar going through metamorphosis to get to be the beautiful butterfly. Like you gotta shed that old version of you.  And if you're resisting it.  Right? Which again is going to happen. Because your brain is like danger. Don't go over there into the unknown. Stay here where you know who you are, where you've been the same version of you for the last decade or the last month or the last week. Like don't go over there because we don't know what's gonna happen over there. Okay,  that's like totally what our brains are designed to do to keep us safe Again, this is not a problem.  This is just you Being on the path to your next breakthrough, to becoming  the next iteration of who you already are.  

But when you're in The Messy Middle, it feels terrible. You're like, oh my god, I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to try and believe. I don't want to. It's like tantrum. Right? Like feet stomping,  legs kicking and screaming, like, please don't make me. It feels like someone is like forcing you to grow  when you know in your heart that you have actively signed up for the discomfort. It's like the part of the process where you're like, this is not it. Fuck it. I'm going to abandon this whole thing right here, right now.  Again, I just want to say this out loud because it is so normal. And if you're not expecting it, this is where some people will like, be like, all right, nevermind. Turn around. I give up. I surrender. Instead of  like, yes, surrendering to the moment, allowing yourself to process and be in The Messy Middle without trying to change it.  And  knowing that if you lean in, if you stick it out,  what's waiting for you on the other side is exactly who you've been waiting to become.  

So I had this experience of The Messy Middle and I was literally like, oh my god, like, why? Why is this happening? I don't want to do this.  Like, please, somebody, like, get me off this train.  And  you know, again, like I said, there is surrender in allowing yourself to be in that space to process the emotions, to not resist being in The Messy Middle.  And then, when you're processing that, when you're allowing that, you just get to enjoy that the obstacle is the portal. You get to enjoy that you're right on schedule, you're right on time, and yeah, your brain is gonna put up a fight to keep you where you've been.

But so, for me  I know that this is part of the process and even still it didn't change that it was highly uncomfortable and my brain did not want to get on board. Okay, so even coaches, even people who are highly trained, even if you've been doing this work for a long time, just don't be caught off guard  by The Messy Middle. And so I was talking about this with my clients and an analogy or visual came to mind. And I kind of thought of it as like Jenga, right? Like  your current identity is like, a Jenga structure,  like blocks lined up. And every time we're intentionally in coaching, identifying and eliminating limiting beliefs, it's like we're taking one block out of the Jenga tower. 

And eventually, if you are taking out all of these old limiting beliefs, the current tower of your  current self, right? The structure, The self concept of your current identity is going to get wobbly. Because there's going to be nothing for it to stand on.  When we're in The Messy Middle, we're like, oh no, oh no, things are getting wobbly. Oh no, oh no. And we kind of panic. And like the tower, the same way the tower is like holding on for dear life to stay intact. That's our old self, our past self, fighting to stay relevant. When we are in belief,  It crumbling is the worst thing that could possibly happen, that's when we are like,  like anxious, worried, like uncertain about what's coming next.

Instead of knowing that a hundred percent that tower is supposed to fall, right? We are literally killing our past selves. So yes, we want to eliminate every single block.  Pun intended. We want to get rid of every single limiting belief, that's creating the paradigm, the structure of how you've been interpreting your life.

And now,  the amazing news is that as you're taking out each little block from this Jenga tower of your self concept, you're also intentionally building another tower, right? So you're actively then creating your Created Identity or sculpting  your Created Identity that includes all of the thoughts and beliefs of your Future Self. So yeah, we are taking out all the different thoughts  but then we're intentionally building a new structure, right? So   📍 even though like in the actual game of Jenga we're trying to not have the tower fall like in the process of becoming a different version of you, 100 percent the objective is to let the tower fall, right? 

So then each little block that you're taking out is going into building this new,  this new self concept, this new identity that aligns with who you're ready to become.  Okay, but in The Messy Middle, we're like, oh no, oh no, the tower's gonna fall. We're like, yeah, that's the point.  Okay.  All of this to say, The Messy Middle is when you are in the process of transformation. 

You've already been taking really big, courageous steps. You've been actively  taking apart this old tower of Jenga to build a new one.  And yeah, that's going to feel a little rocky.  If you embrace that experience, or at least  hold space for the experience without like viewing it as wrong without making it a problem, then you will be available to support yourself through it. 

Right? Like I said, with processing emotion,  with being gentle, with slowing down, with being willing to slow down, because part of being in The Messy Middle is like, Oh my God, if I stop now, like, I don't even know what's gonna happen. This all gonna fall to shit.  Right? Versus being like, wait a second. Let's take a deep breath, let's slow down to speed up,  let's create some space  to feel, to be, to rest. 

Because again, like,  I feel like the effort or like the air quote work of transformation is being willing  to create new belief.  Or in simpler terms, to practice thinking new thoughts and taking new actions, even before you feel 100 percent ready. Right? Like that's literally the only way to change is to start rehearsing a different way of being until it becomes your hashtag new norm.

So if you really do just hold space for and become aware of The Messy Middle,  I think the biggest benefit is that we don't spiral or freak out or get, you know, distracted or delayed by trying to like understand why it feels terrible. Right. It's like, why is this happening? I don't know. What, like, what does this mean is like, for me, I was like, Oh my God, does this mean  that I'm not going to like have a performing career ever again? Does this mean that, you know, now I'm being invited into something bigger, that is something that I don't even want. Like, those are some of the fears going through my head when I was in The Messy Middle because  I was confused as to why I wasn't seeing the results yet.  And again, I could witness that this was happening and it doesn't change that it's uncomfortable.  

But so  when you know that you're simply in The Messy Middle,  you have the option  to engage with yourself in a way where you can trust  everything is still happening for you, that things are right on track, that you're on the brink of a breakthrough,  which let's you hold space for, engage with your discomfort, your frustration, your fear, your worry, to your anxiety and come back to the truth  that what's meant for you will not pass you by  and that it doesn't mean you're not going the right way.

In actuality, you're going exactly  the way, the fastest way to your quickest growth is through the discomfort.  The other thing that I want to offer is like  just a little reminder because. Like I said, some of my thoughts were like, Oh my gosh, you know, I haven't heard about this audition, and I noticed that my brain was just being a little bit anxious. And when I started thinking anxious thoughts that aligned with the Thought Umbrella of how my energy and focus already was,  I just want to remind you that when we are experiencing a negative emotion, then  It's literally the indicator that it is not a truth or in alignment with our highest self.

Like our Inner Being  knows when we are certain and expansive and aligned because we feel good. So when we're in harmony with our inner being,  it does feel light, it feels expansive, it feels good.  And so it doesn't change that it felt terrible, but because I have this framework I also knew Okay.

The fact that I feel so terrible, while I'm thinking the thought my performing career is over,  like it doesn't change that it's terrible, but it does let me know that that is a hundred percent not what my Inner Being wants or desires,  right? Our emotion, our discomfort  is a reflection, an indicator of how our Inner Being feels. 

When we're in alignment and we're thinking in harmony with ourselves, it feels good.  If we're thinking apart from ourselves, it feels terrible  and the degree of  wrongness, air quote wrongness, of our own thoughts and feelings, right? Like when I was thinking, Oh my God, my performing career might be over and it felt terrible. Like the amount of discomfort I was feeling was also the amount. that my Inner Being disagreed with me.  

So when you have all of these different perspectives and tools to pull from, it does help neutralize The Messy Middle, while giving you permission to allow The Messy Middle. Makes sense?  And then the beautiful thing was is that after that experience,  I shared this in the email too.

I like pulled a Rumi card and it was like, stop settling for stale breadcrumbs.  And something about that made my whole spirit just perk up. And I was like, Oh, I'm like fighting to be the past version of me that was in the ensemble begging for a role, begging like, please let me book this job  instead of  allowing myself to to witness and experience the transformation that literally happened in the next 48 hours, after I surrendered to The Messy Middle. Where I learned that I did not get the job and I witnessed that I became a true triple threat in the process.  Where I got to see like, oh my gosh, this experience invited me into a whole different identity. A whole different ball game.  I was going to say ball field. A whole different realm of experience and existence.  That Messy Middle was me  transmuting  into the actual literal star that I am. How cool is that? Right? 

So for you, wherever you are in the process, just know that The Messy Middle is exactly what's going to birth a different experience, as long as you are willing  to relax, trust the process, rest,  and stay committed to the vision that you're moving towards, right? It's not an indicator to stop. It may be an invitation to slow down and rest.  And it's just like allowing all of the gunk to shed  so that you can be free. 

Because truly my whole life changed after that. And I was like, whoa,  talk about new paradigm, right? Totally different self concept.  And so  that's what I got for you today. The Messy Middle. If you are in it,  I send you so much love. It is not fun.  And  give yourself permission to remind yourself of who you are  because you're not in circumstances that you are not capable of. This is literally the moment you rise to the occasion  and not from more effort,  but from acclimating to who you've become, where you're no longer trying to be something different, but you simply are.  Right? That's the moment of the breakthrough out of The Messy Middle.  Okay? 

You're right where you need to be. I'm sending you so much love. Don't resist it.  Love yourself, love yourself and witness how cute it is that your ego is fighting to stay small. And actually it's literally still on my, the back of my phone.  Oh, I put it on do not disturb so you can't see it.  But it literally says when you ask for a bigger life, you cannot keep fighting for a smaller one to stay.  When you ask for a bigger life, you cannot keep fighting for a smaller one to stay.  

And so no matter where you are in the process, no matter where you are in The Messy Middle, just remember that there is a version of you that has already walked this path  and that the endpoint manifestation, what you've been visualizing, what you're dreaming of, is yours. It just is. And when you know that,  I think you're more willing to, to ride it out in The Messy Middle, to do the work, to then surrender and release.  To stop trying and to simply be who you've become. 

Alright, that is what I got for you this week.  If this speaks to you, if this resonates, if you've been in The Messy Middle and you're like, Oh my god, I don't want to be drowning alone. Someone throw me a life raft.  Just know that I am happy to guide you through this experience. You can book a launch call at kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch and we can talk about whether private one on one coaching or joining us in The Paradigm January 2025 is right for you.  So go kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch to book your call now. And I can't wait to support you. Hang in there, you got this, friend. Alright, I'll meet you back here for another episode.  

Hey, I want to invite you to get started. Because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. You get to love your life as an actor, singer, or dancer, even including auditions. And if that sounds amazing, come join us inside of Momentum, you get lifetime access to The Performers Plan, coaching, community, and more. And I will be supporting you the entire way. Go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/momentum    to  join us now.