In this episode, we're getting accurate with whether or not you're using your systems to do list and routines for you or against you. Because really we want them to be creating a net positive result. You ready? Let's do it. 

Hello, you are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life. Both on and off the stage.

Hello, hello. And welcome back to episode 65 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I am sitting on my couch doing my podcast the night before it goes out. And my brain wants to totally make this a problem and go into all of the reasons why I should have done it sooner and I'm not on my shit and all of the things, which is honestly perfect. Because I cannot wait for this episode. It is going to resonate so hard with all of my fellow high achieving, high performers that love to create systems and lists and be in integrity with our commitments. So one, if that resonates with you already get excited for this episode. 

Before I do, I wanted to give a little personal update because I feel like a lot has happened and you know, this past week was Thanksgiving and I got to spend it with my partner Terry and his mom on Thanksgiving Eve. I also went and walked up Central Park West and saw where they were inflating the balloons the night before the parade. And, funny enough, I've never, at least to my knowledge, lol, to my memory. But I'm... Fairly certain that I've never seen the Thanksgiving Day Parade in person, live. And this year, Terry and I got to watch it from Columbus Circle. That was really fun and exciting. And it amplified my desire to one day perform at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. And I'm super excited for that. 

And on top of all of that. I also got to celebrate my sister and her upcoming wedding at her bridal shower, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I share all of this because I feel like there's been some amazing, wonderful, fun things happening in my family. There was also, as you can imagine, some stressful moments and moments where people were short, where I was short. And it actually was really fun to navigate those sort of, I don't know, I guess you could call them traditionally stressful moments where people are excited and things need to get done and things are happening and all of that to say it was really fun to watch myself navigate that as the woman that I am today.

And getting to be emotionally available to support my family, to be present, to communicate and express how I felt when I was just like in so much awe of my cousins and their kids and my brother and his kids, right? Like. It's just really cool to have the emotional space and the bandwidth to acknowledge and appreciate the people around us. And I guess I am just honestly very grateful to myself because I think this weekend, it just emphasized that the work that I'm doing on myself creates new possibilities for my family and for everyone around me, right? 

Like the work that we do on ourselves to heal, to be less reactive in moments that are stressful, create different trajectories of our lives, right? Like the communication, our own emotional intelligence, all of the healing and the unlearning and the processing and the tools and the skill sets that I've gained from coaching have just made me so much more available to communicate clearly with myself and with others and to diffuse, I think is the word that I'm looking for... diffuse scenarios or situations that could be highly stressful and to be able to be present, to honor myself, and to also create space for conversations and support and love and nurturing and acknowledging when we're not our best. Like all of these things create safety with ourselves and each other.

And I know my clients feel this too. It's like, just so fucking cool to watch the ripple effects of being emotionally equipped and available and operating in your own life from a space of neutrality. And so yeah, that's a personal win that I'd like to share and celebrate and encourage everyone to keep doing the work, to understand that we really do get to create anything and everything that we want in our relationships, in our interactions with friends, family, clients, coworkers, strangers, right? Like you get to be the version of you that you desire to be. Okay. And so yeah, that was really cool. 

So let's jump into today's episode. Like I said, my brain wanted to have a little tantrum that it's the night before my podcast goes out and I'm sitting on the couch doing it. To be fair, there's been plenty of times where my podcast has gotten done late at night and I just thought it was so timely to talk about, like I actually wasn't going to talk about this at all. I had a whole different topic prepared, but I just thought it was so relevant because I've been coaching so many clients through the same thing.

So first of all, let's just get comfy cozy with the fact that when we are high achievers, when we're used to striving for excellence and again, like we've dedicated our lives to a career path that is centered around honing your skills and being very self aware, very self critical. It's totally normal to find yourself in a space of feeling like we have to muscle through. Like we have to like whip ourselves into shape because we've. Over relied on discipline and feedback and criticism to fuel our growth. 

And it's not good, bad, right or wrong. Like, I actually think that, you know, I accredit a lot of my success to my strictest teachers. I think about that a lot. The teachers that had, you know, direct feedback that really rode my ass back in the day, right? Like they made me work hard for it. And I feel like I really did learn so much from that level of discipline and structure and commitment. Right. 

And as we get older, I think sometimes we forget that, you know, And I don't know, I might change my whole viewpoint on this in about 0. 5 seconds, but I think that as we get older, right, we start becoming adults. We start managing our minds and we change, we grow, we evolve, we shift, and we have to be willing to let go of old patterns when they're not actually serving us in the moment. 

And so something I've been inviting my clients to see is like, Are you treating yourself in a way that's sustainable? Are you treating yourself in a way that creates a net positive result? Are you adding and contributing to the result you want to create? Or are you slowing yourself down? 

And what I found for myself and for others is that when we're in the space of criticism, when we're adding on that Second Layer of judgment, we think in the moment. That it's going to propel us into action. We think that if we are a mean girl to ourselves, if we're sarcastic as fuck, I love my clients so much. And when they tell me things like, yeah, like you said, you're going to do that workout. How's it going now? It's like tick tock. Now it's three o'clock. So much for that, right? Like our brain will throw us all of the shade, right?

It doesn't actually move us closer to the result. Because what happens when we're criticizing ourselves and judging ourselves and shaming ourselves and taking note of all the things we didn't do in the way we wanted to do it? We feel terrible. What do we do when we feel terrible? We want to go emotionally eat and lay in bed.

And I will tell you that I definitely did that this evening. Even though it was squash and like, snow pea leaves in like a delicious coconut sauce that my handsome man cooked for me. I still overate that shit because I was like, I feel terrible. Right? And it's like, I can laugh about it, because I have the awareness, I knew in the moment that it was happening. And that is what the night was, right? Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be where we are and that energy was not allowing me to go and get my work done, right? Like that energy was actually having me sit and stew and overanalyze and take my brain to spaces that were not necessarily solution oriented, right? Like they weren't actually fueling my momentum to move forward in my podcast. Because that's the example I'm talking about, right? 

But we do this all the times when we're thinking about the list of things that we haven't done. Right? And especially when you're a high achiever, we think that we have to keep this up or else. Dot, dot, dot. I'm going to be lazy, I'm going to procrastinate more, I'm going to, all of these things. However, the thing that motivates us to actually take action is not shame and judgment and criticism. And it definitely isn't over relying on structure and discipline to muscle through something. 

And so, here's the one caveat that I will give you. You know yourself best. And you know when your growth is to lean into doing things even when you don't want to, right? And like, you know, when it's your growth to like do the uncomfortable thing, which is following through, even when you want to quit, even when you want to, you know, maybe give in to the fear or the avoidance, right? You know, when it's your growth to lean into that and move through it. And I want to offer that you can do that. And allow it to feel good. You could potentially do that, honor your commitments, and let it feel the way you want it to feel, but that really does require you to take your brain to a different space.

It really does require you to let go of the Second Layer of judgment, criticism, and all those things. Because again, if you're doing it through all of those things and you're making it hard, just consider why are you doing that? Why are you making it harder for yourself, right? Why? 

The other thing that I want to offer is that sometimes when we are in this high achieving space, when we're creating big shit, we can use integrity against ourselves. And I'm dying laughing because I'll tell you the story. Okay. I noticed myself doing this to a nine year old. Okay. And I noticed myself being like very weirdly shamey to myself. So my partner Terry has a daughter and his birthday is coming up and we've been talking about baking him a cake and we've been having so much fun thinking about it organizing getting all the ideas on Pinterest together to like make a cake that is so freaking cute, but also just like reflects Terry. 

Okay, and so I noticed myself using this idea of integrity against myself when yesterday it just really wasn't in the cards to bake a cake, right? And then I was like, all right, tomorrow. Definitely we can do it. But I just like, again, it's like, you know, when you're using it against yourself because of how it feels, if you're like, damn, I said I was going to do something and I didn't follow through and, you know, I honor my word. I feel like there's a level of like, Oh man, like that sucks. I said I was going to do something I didn't and we can then move on, evaluate and recommit. 

What I was doing was like being so weird and like being really like, Oh my God. Like I broke my word. I'm like not honoring my commitments. And it was so funny because I really was being so, what's the word? Like, just so disappointed, like, judgy, just like so weirdly shamey to myself that I said I was going to make this cake and then it didn't happen. It's like, did not baking a cake today or yesterday gravely impact the net result? No, Terry's birthday is next week on Monday. We have plenty of time, right? 

And so it's just interesting when we create structures and rules and belief systems, to be willing to see when we're using it for us or against us. In this circumstance, feeling so guilty that I didn't honor my word, feeling so terrible that I didn't bake a cake, that actually wasn't creating a net positive result. And can I look at and evaluate like being sure more in full integrity with my word and my commitments and all of those things? Yes. And do I need to make myself feel terrible about it to the point where it's like draining my energy and pulling it elsewhere? No. 

And this is what I find myself and my clients doing when we get into this space of thinking that our systems, our processes, our habits, our to do lists, our routines, when we outsource our feeling of productivity or responsibility or accomplishment to the list, rather then knowing it's a tool that we get to use for us, it's very neutral. And the way that we feel about what's on the list, what gets done, is a hundred percent in our brains. Right. It's in our brains. It's in our thoughts. It's in how we're relating to self and how we're treating ourself. Right. 

And so all of this to say, it's just an invitation to check in with yourself. Are you currently using your systems for you or against you? Are you creating something that feels really rigid for the sake of creating productivity or are you using your systems to support you? Are you using your routines and your habits to amplify who you want to be in the world, or are you relying on them to become who you want to be?

I don't know that there's a good, bad, right or wrong answer, and I just think it's an opportunity to get accurate with what you're getting out of these rules and belief systems that you're creating, and again, to evaluate if they're creating a net positive result for you. 

To be honest, right, the podcast is very important to me. I take a lot of pride in making sure that it goes out on time, and there are times that it doesn't go out on time. There are times that I'm sitting on my couch at nine o'clock at night and recording it. And is that necessarily the experience that I want to have all of the time? No. Is that a major problem in life? No. Is that how I want to run my business? Yes. No. Maybe. Right. Because again, I feel like I lead my business full of authenticity and being human and allowing myself to be human, right? There's never anything that's happening that is not happening for us and inviting us into our next level of growth or self concept. 

So yeah maybe it's not always gonna be my desire to be doing my podcast at 9 o'clock the night before and I would rather speak to the truth of what's coming up and find the value in this lesson for myself and for all of you and for all of my clients, rather than making it a problem, shaming myself, not doing it, and backing away from the commitment that I've made, right? There's always another choice. There's always another possibility. There's always another option. 

When I sat down to do this episode. I decided that I was just going to have fun. I decided that someone needs to hear this message that I'm recording and it makes it easier to receive when you know that you're receiving it from a real life human, not someone who's a robot and trying to be perfect. 

And so in conclusion, this podcast episode is all about. being aware of how you are relating to your commitments, to your integrity, to any of the systems you've put into place that are maybe giving you a moral high ground for your belief in your productivity and in your value. And I just want to remind you that your value comes from you, right? Your value comes from you, not your systems, your value comes from you, not what you check off on your to do list. And we can always evaluate and look at what needs to take place moving forward to make a change and to create routines, habits, relationships to self that inspire us and motivate and encourage us to do the things that we love to do rather than using it to muscle and force ourselves to do things that just genuinely don't feel delish. 

And I'm at a point in my life where like, if it doesn't feel delish, I'm really not interested in it. I don't move from obligation. I don't move from, you know, pleasing others as much every now and then I'll see it come up. But really, truly, like I do my best to make decisions that honor me and how I feel. And the truth is earlier, I was really tired after my client calls. I had amazing client calls all day long. And when I thought I was going to do my podcast, I was tired. So I took a nap, right? And so we just get to honor where we are. And I know that this message, this specific episode that emerged that was different than the one I had planned is going to land with someone out there, and maybe it's you. 

Okay, so all of that to say. Check in with yourself, love yourself, use your systems for you, not against you. And if you're looking for a space to uncouple this subconscious belief, this well programmed thought that we have to work hard all of the time, we have to feel like we're grinding and suffering and that you know, that's the way we prove we're worthy of that thing that we want, whatever it is in your book, right? 

We don't get bonus points for being shitty to ourselves, and we definitely don't get bonus points for overworking in a way that doesn't serve anyone. Because when we're depleted, when we're grinding, when we're like being so hard on ourselves out of a desire to be excellent. Again, it just slows us down and creates more resistance. The lighter we are, the freer we are, the more we allow ourselves to be valuable exactly as we are and to just float on down the lazy river. That analogy was coming up a lot on my client calls today. 

The more we're willing to be on the lazy river knowing that who we are is enough and that what we're doing can be evaluated and processed and changed from awareness without bashing on ourselves, the more we stay in momentum to create anything and everything that we want. 

So the last thing I'm going to do is invite you to join us inside of Momentum, which is recently renamed from The Performers Plan. Momentum is my lifetime membership program for professional actors, singers, and dancers. Inside of the community, we have live coaching calls and we really untangle the beliefs that are keeping you in a belief system and a way of being and a way of operating that just beats down on you. Right? 

We don't have to move in survival mode and feeling like everything is life or death. We can zoom out and look at the lifetime net results. The lifetime net impact that it's going to have and we get to create more sustainable ways of being. That's what we're doing inside of Momentum. And we're learning how to love auditions, love ourselves, prioritize pleasure, and create a relationship with yourself that you love, so that you get to show up with that level of integrity, not out of shame or out of trying to earn your worthiness or your, you know, accolades and your titles, but like just knowing that who you are is enough and like then moving towards everything you desire from love.

We can fuel ourselves to excellence from love. That actually is possible and it happens faster when we're evaluating neutrally. And we're just getting out there and making new decisions and implementing and evaluating. That's all it is. That has so much more space to exist and to create traction and momentum when you're not being terrible to yourself and the people around you. Because again, we all know what it's like to be snappy and to be frustrated and to be grumpy. We take it out on everyone around us, and that's just totally optional. 

So if that resonates with you, come on in and join us. You can go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/gift to gift yourself a lifetime membership to Momentum. We're doing the work. We're having fun. And in December, we are gearing up to do a money makeover. This is the perfect time to join us. So I'll see you inside and I'll meet you back here for another episode. 

Hey, I want to invite you to get started because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. If you're committed to loving your life as an actor, singer, or dancer, come join us inside of The Performers Plan. You get lifetime access to the program, the community, and high quality coaching for the rest of your career. Go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/theperformersplan to join us now. I'll see you inside.