In this episode, I'm gonna share what it looked like for me to navigate being in a little bit of a depressed state over the past few months. And hopefully by sharing my experience, it will normalize that you're not alone when you're going through this, and will also give you some signs to look out for, so that when you find yourself in that space, you give yourself the permission to get the help you need and to navigate it in a way that works for you. You ready? Let's do it. 

Hello, you are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more, so keep listening to learn how you can love your life, both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 34 of the Love Your Life as a Performer Podcast. I have just been taking so much time for myself and really plugging in. To what I need and infinite amounts of support and love, and I'm just feeling so freaking grateful for the people in my life. It has been so refreshing to be in New York as spring is coming, as the weather starting to turn, and I have to admit that I have had a really hard winter.

Um, it's just been a little bit challenging, and I don't even know that when I was in it, I fully realized how much I was sort of like low-key struggling. And that's kind of what I wanna talk about today on the podcast because I know that in talking with friends, that other people have been experiencing it too. And yeah, I thought it would be useful to talk about and just share some of the ways that I was able to support myself and also talk about how I got there. Because looking back, I can really see how I got there. I can see the moment that I was having thoughts that went unnoticed, when I was having thoughts and feelings that just lingered in a way that sort of contributed to a little bit of a depressive state. 

And I wanna emphasize that I'm not a licensed therapist or psychologist. I'm a life coach, and I wanna encourage you, as always, to take what serves you, leave what doesn't. But I thought it'd be useful to, again, just share my experience, share what it looked like for me so that in the moment, if you find yourself in this place, you can just start having an awareness of it and find the tools, whether it's a therapist, a coach, a friend, you know, just utilize your toolbox and your resources to remind yourself that you are always loved and supported.

Okay. And so, yeah, with that, let's jump into today's episode. I guess a little bit of relevant information is that, you know, as I've been growing my business, as I've continued to pursue my performing career, all of this, even though it might look very simple, has felt extremely vulnerable at times. It has felt very scary at times. It's felt wildly successful at times. Right. So there's just been a lot of newness, a lot of growth, a lot of discomfort that I've like fully signed up for in my life, in my business, and just like in who I'm being, right? Like I've intentionally put myself in the arena to do the hard shit, to start creating the life that I always imagined for myself, right?

And so with that, of course there are human emotions such as frustration, disappointment, not enoughness, fear, scarcity, lack, like all of those energies and thoughts and feelings, like of course for me too, still come up as I'm doing new shit. And I think sometimes the misconception is that once you have these tools, once you know how to manage your mind, once you're again, like utilizing your brain in a way that serves you, it doesn't like magically make uncomfortable feelings, go away, right?
It just gives you the tools to navigate those feelings with more ease, more certainty, and just more love and compassion towards yourself, right? Because you stop shaming yourself for having the feelings, and instead you just are able to witness them and support yourself through them, right? But so, even me as a coach, as someone who has a lot of practice using my brain intentionally, I still was having thoughts, feelings, emotions, shit happening in my subconscious that I was not even fully aware of.

Like honestly, that is just how brains work, right? If we knew what was happening a hundred percent of the time, Like, I don't even know, right? Like we're all still human and we're all still going to have moments where our brain is operating from fear or lack of belief, or just habitual neural pathways in our brains of shit from the past.
Our brain is gonna default to the most practiced way of thinking, feeling, and being. 

Okay. And so, all of this context to say that back in December I was doing something super new. I was launching the first round of The Paradigm, which was sort of like this new program that I was creating and I had run The Performers Plan before, but The Paradigm is slightly different. It's a higher level coaching container. And even though in theory I knew it was going to work, I still had never done it before. So there was a lot of uncertainty and a lot of courage required for me to show. And discomfort to move through selling and sharing it, and just even just putting it out in the world.
Right. Around that time is when Stephen Twitch boss passed away, and I remember walking down my street and seeing the news and even though I didn't know him personally and I didn't, you know, know exactly what happened, I remember just feeling so emotionally charged by the news. And so frustrated that a life had been lost in this way. And so frustrated by, you know, the way our industry is often shaped or the, the culture of our industry where it's like we have to always look like we have our shit together and, you know, be presentable and be professional, and just all of these labels that we take on, right? 

And so, I remember like getting on a coaching call that afternoon and I just lost my shit, like I was just sobbing on my coaching call and was really just like angry, sad, grieving this loss in a way that honestly felt a little out of proportion in that moment, if I'm being honest. I was like, I was a little, almost like surprised that I felt so deeply about this, and now looking back, what I didn't realize is that I was identifying with Twitch in many ways. Because I, in college, went through a phase where I was super depressed.

It was like around the time that my brother was sick with cancer and then he passed, and there was just a dark time in my life where I felt like I was drowning. Right? So, just thinking about his loss and you know, the loss within the performing arts community and seeing everyone's posts and tributes and, I don't know. Yeah, like something about that really triggered this past state that I was in and feeling like, you know, back then, like I couldn't turn to anyone or feeling like people cared, but they couldn't understand what I was feeling, the depths of my lows. Right? 

And so, Again, it's just kind of wild to see that, like looking back, that really was sort of the start, building on top of all of the stress and not even stress, but yeah, a little bit of stress and anxiety and fear that I was working through in order to show up in a big way for my business, for my clients, and for the vision that I had for The Paradigm. There was just a lot to navigate in a short amount of time. And looking back, it just makes so much sense that it really activated something in me and it brought me back to this past identity. 

The other thing that I wanna add is that, you know, Twitch really was a light in the world, in our community, and I think what it highlighted was the fact that you know, we don't always know what someone is going through. We don't always know how people are suffering, and I think something about that circumstance started... I don't even know the right way to say this, but it almost was like my brain started identifying with Twitch and identifying as someone that looked happy on the outside, but was really upset or sad or lonely on the inside.

And the truth is, as much as I love my business, right, it is different to be working from home a lot of the times. To, you know, be on client calls, but then have a lot of open space. Like even though I'm running a six figure business, I have a lot of freaking time. And when I'm not in a show, and I mean for anyone out there who knows, too, when you're not in a show, you kind of lose that built in community and the camaraderie of you know, the performing arts community, unless you're super intentional about it. And so this is one of the things that I'll talk about and mention later is that like it's just so essential to be giving yourself intentional time with friends, family, to be around humans, especially because we're social beings, right? Like we need community. 
And so, Yeah, I think there was something subconsciously that triggered this feeling of being a happy person on the outside and being sad on the inside, being lonely, being fearful. Having a different experience on the inside and the outside. Having a different appearance to others and how people perceive you versus how you're actually vibrating.

Right? And in that moment, it just created and planted this little baby seed that, I don't know, it even like just woke up like this whole neurological, I don't even know if that's the right word, but like this whole pathway to all these other thoughts that I used to think back in the day, right. Thoughts like, I'm such a loser. Like I don't know what I'm doing. Like this is not gonna work. Or, you know, I'm so unsuccessful. I don't even know. Like, I just remember being on the phone with my mom one night and feeling like, I'm such a failure. Right. Again, based on the results I've been created in my life, just wasn't necessarily an accurate correspondence or relationship to the thoughts that I was thinking.

Now, did I have a goal and you know, a specific amount of people that I wanted to sign into The Paradigm? Yes. And so I think there was also part of my brain that was just wrapping and working through the feeling of disappointment. Not to say that we didn't end up with a bomb ass group, and you know, everyone in The Paradigm is getting amazing results and it's been so fucking fantastic. But this is where I would tell my clients and myself all of the time, is that multiple things can be true at once, right? 
Like I could be grieving the, I don't know, the loss and the failure and the disappointment of not hitting a goal at the same time as feeling so freaking proud and excited and honored to navigate The Paradigm with the clients that did join. Right? But when you are in a certain head space, when you are taking on a level of identity, no matter what you do, your thoughts are gonna be filtered through that identity, right? 

It's the same thing as if you call yourself like a people pleaser, no matter what. Like, then everything is gonna come from that lens. Like if you're already believing you're a people pleaser and you're reinforcing that idea and that thought in your head, maybe even, again, not like consciously all the time, it's not like you're walking around saying, I'm a people pleaser. I'm a people pleaser. Right? It's not like I was walking around saying, I'm so, I'm so happy on the outside, but sad on the inside. Like I wasn't consciously doing that, but that. The programming I was giving my body and the chemicals in my body, that's my brain was dishing out because of the identity that I sort of was associating with, right? 

So it's so important to remember that like how you talk about yourself to you really does matter. The same thing if you're like, oh my God, like I need to get my shit together. I'm such a hot mess. Like if that's what you're reinforcing consistently or on a, a regular basis, like that's how you are going to experience yourself because of the thoughts that go along with that identity. 

And so, as you can imagine, this really put me into the state of just feeling again, like a little more and more depressive as my baseline. And it's not to say that I didn't have moments of joy or energy or you know, invigoration throughout my, my days or my weeks, cuz I know for a fact there were moments that still felt high and energized and purposeful, but it just sort of kept coming back to this low grade hum. And over time what happened was that my energy was being stuck, right? Like there was part of my energy that wasn't fully moving through my being, and I just wasn't vibrating at my highest frequency. 

I'm gonna do a whole episode speaking to that specifically, but I feel like if you're listening to this episode, you have an idea of what it feels like to be vibrating at your highest self. When you feel alive and activated and just freaking happy to be here, right? When you know that everything is working out for you and you're so grateful, and that feeling, that energy of appreciation is a totally different vibration than being in a depressed state, we just know how that feels in our bodies, right. 

I just wanted to share that the things that really started working for me and honestly always work for me is coming back to the basics. I will forever say that the basics are not basic, right? And you wanna just get to know for you what are the things that support you. Especially when it comes to energy and vibration, I just think it's so important to move the body. So, over the past few weeks, I noticed that I, you know, I went to SoulCycle and they had like a two week offer. So I did that and it was so funny because, the first time I went, SoulCycle is generally something that I like. Like it's something I generally enjoy because of the energy and just the overall vibe and the music and the fun. And I have to tell you that first time I went, I was miserable. Miserable. I was like, how can I even like this? Like this is so stupid. It was like my brain and my energy was so stuck in that old vibration. 

And then I just kept going. I was like, all right. I am committed to feeling better. I am committed to getting myself unstuck and out of this vibration. Like I am just so ready to feel differently. So I kept going, right? I kept going. I started meditating and like making sure I was visualizing and saying affirmations and it's so interesting because I think another piece of this is that as I was thinking about being happy on the outside, but miserable on the inside, it started bringing up all of these sub-thoughts about toxic positivity and it's just interesting when our brain wants to be afraid of being something that people perceive as bad. Like then we stop altogether, we pull back, right? 

So I think there was also this sense of like, I'm bad for being positive. I'm like bad for, you know, using affirmations because some people think affirmations don't work right. Like, so I wasn't letting myself enjoy and luxuriate in the things that I know work for me, basically because I was afraid of what other people would think, or I was afraid of some perceived judgment about what makes me feel good. And like shame about how I like to exist in the world as if there was some perceived wrongness about me and my joy, and then equally perceived wrongness in my sadness.

Right. So again, I just wanna share this in case it resonates with you and if you tend to lean positive, what it can feel like when you're not in that space. Right. So I kept going back to SoulCycle, and every time the class just got a little bit more enjoyable and then a little bit more enjoyable, and then I started being open to receive more signs from the Universe. I started doing the things that I know work for me, like Abraham Hicks, watching Joe Dispenza videos, like trying to be so intentional about what I was consuming on a daily basis, right? Like what I was feeding my conscious and subconscious mind.

And so then I was becoming more open again to receiving these signs. And so I remember like watching a video and then they were talking about one of Joe Dispenza's books, um, Becoming Supernatural, which I ended up buying and started listening to on Audible. And from that book he talked about kaleidoscope meditations. And so then I went on a YouTube rabbit hole and started doing some of those. But like slowly but surely, my frequency started rising just from the commitment and the decision to shift my energy. Right, the commitment to feel differently, and also giving myself just like so much permission to be supported, to be where I was, to have my own back, even though it felt uncomfortable, right?

And so, If you are finding yourself in this space, right? Some of the signs just might be that you're not feeling joyful or happy, right? You're not doing the things that normally sustain you, right? Maybe you're feeling really sluggish, like I know for me, I was not drinking enough water like I wasn't taking care of myself as a baseline. I wasn't hydrating, I wasn't getting good sleep and everything was kind of bouncing and ping ponging off another right? And so then I wasn't feeling super motivated to do my meditations. And again, I had days and you know, moments where I did plug into it, but it was like coming from this space of needing to do it versus wanting to do it.

When you are in that space, it doesn't have to be good, bad, right or wrong, but you can just have an awareness of like, there is something within me that needs tending to, right? Like there's something within me that isn't connected to my highest self. There's something within me that is just preventing me from accessing and opening my heart to the joy, the connection, to the frequency of being in alignment with everything that I desire. Right? And again, it's like so not good, bad, right or wrong. And I think it's pretty normal to say at some point or another we will find ourselves in this state. It's inevitable that at one point in our life, at some time in our life, we're going to go through seasons that feel dark or heavy or cloudy.

And I think the purpose and why I really wanted to share this was just to normalize the fact that nothing has gone wrong and that you're not less valuable as a human when you're experiencing something that feels hard, right? That you still have value in the world just by being you. And as simple as that sounds, I think that my past self would've been really comforted by that knowing. Of knowing that I wasn't worthless and useless and that, you know, unless I did something really fucking amazing that I wouldn't be considered valuable or contributing to society.

Right. And so the last thing that I wanna say is that, I think the value of having these experiences over and over, when you truly believe and lean into the idea that everything is happening for you, I think the true value of this experience is learning how to support myself through those moments. Learning what are the things that are essential to staying on track and staying connected to the essence of who I am more of the time, but then also knowing exactly how to ask for help. Having the practice of asking for help, having the practice of leaning on others. And having the practice of plugging back in and choosing my joy. 

Because like anything, joy is a choice. Like choosing to be happy, choosing to be joyful. That is a constant daily choice. And of course, some days it will be easier than others, and I think that truly is our truest essence. Our bliss, our joy, our gratitude, our appreciation for life. Our zest for life is our natural state and so, you get to notice when your body, right, because again, it's not always in our conscious mind, but we can feel it in our vibration, in our body, in our energy. We can feel it and to just start tuning in more of the time so that when you are in that state, you can tend to yourself, you can choose. Give yourself permission to ask for help, to be supported and to know that through it all, you are still fucking lovable. 

Okay? That's what I got for you this week. I hope it was useful to maybe just hear it from another person's perspective and to be reminded that you're not alone in this, right? Like we need the lows to experience the highs and the more we normalize this for ourselves and others, the more we'll be willing to hold space and to remove any Second Layer of judgment, wrongness, or shame about when we find ourselves in these lows. All right. I will meet you back here for another episode.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and if you did, make sure to share it with a friend who is also an actor, singer, or dancer. You can also help spread the word by leaving us review wherever you listen to podcasts in order to help people find this resource. Lastly, you can find me on Instagram at @kelliyoungmanwellness, and if you're interested in coaching, make sure to head to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/waitlist to join my list now. See you soon.