Ep 75: Words and What You Make Them MEAN

 In this episode, we're talking about the words someone says and what you make it mean, because in this process, you will start understanding and identifying where you are creating Story rather than Fact. And I'm going to show you how you can use this for you all of the time. You ready? Let's do it. 

Hello. You are listening to Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life. Both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 75 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. Last week we talked about being extraordinary and some of the challenges and also the opportunities to expand past our comfort zone. One of those being in our emotional world and how we engage with other people's thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc.

And so I shared this briefly on my Instagram stories and I thought it would be fun to bring it to the podcast, because again, I think that so often we get caught up on what's being said and we forget that how we receive that information is going to depend on the thought that we choose to think about someone else's words.

Okay. And so I'm going to give you like a tangible example of what this looks like. And then I'm going to give you a really simple tool for listening and interpreting what someone else is saying, because I promise this is so simple and really nuanced when you start doing it in real time.

  Here's the  story. I went today to have a meeting with my agents and I was so delighted to see them. It's been a while since I had an in person appointment and yeah, I was really excited to kind of touch base and evaluate how we're moving together and what my priorities are and to sort of start sharing new dreams, new things that are exciting me, right?

I went into the meeting with like a very clear idea of specific questions I had and you know, things that I also wanted to address. And what I shared on my Instagram, if you caught it, was this anecdote about how  my, you know, agents were just very transparently like, listen, before the pandemic, you were on everybody's shortlist. Like, No matter what, as soon as someone was looking for something, like your name was on that list and moving out of the pandemic, we've had clients in this space where, you know, there's just a new influx of people, different people working at agencies, new people, new associates, just different people. And your name is not always showing up on that list.

I was like, okay, great.  And the value of doing this work is what comes next. And I think that one,  the ability to hear and receive information in any conversation, whether it's with your agents, your lover, your best friend, your mom, your dad, whoever it is. Right? The way that we react and respond next depends on what we are hearing in our brain.

Okay? And I want to say in full transparency, I love my agents. And I feel like I've done an episode on, you know, choosing intentional thoughts about your agents. And  I just really choose to believe that my agents are on my side. So when I'm having this conversation in real time,  I wasn't thinking anything other than  let's hear what they have to say. Like I'm open to receiving this. I want to hear the truth,  right now. 

I left that meeting feeling completely energized, right? Because, you know, we looked at the neutral circumstance of what's happening and we discussed how I want to  move forward. I discussed  different action steps we can take and also just like being aware, like having the awareness that that is the current circumstance, right?

I want you to imagine how differently that conversation would have gone. If when they said that  I had the thought, Oh fuck, they're going to drop me.  Or if I had the thought,  it's not my fault that I'm not on the list! Or if I was like, you should be getting me on that list. Right? Like  there's just so many different sentences that I could have thought in my head as soon as they said what they said.

And I have to be honest that like  the meeting was amazing.  Like I said, I left feeling energized, not discouraged. Why is that? It's because of what I chose to hear  and what I chose to make it mean,  right? I did not use any words that my agent said  to create separation between us, to create doubt in my career. I did not,  you know, spiral downwards into despair or disappointment or frustration  that my career is not where it should be. Right?  Like all I heard was neutral information that I can use to my advantage.

I was like, this is amazing. Like my thought about this was, this is in my control.  I have tons of ideas for how I want to move forward. Like this is productive. This is useful. This is valuable. Like every sentence in my head was in support of the thing that I want to create, which is a long, healthy, sustainable career in the performing arts, right? Not just for the season, but for my life. Okay. 

And so  again, like the simplest way to say this is what did you make their words mean?  It's the difference between hearing what someone says  and what you make it mean.  And when we really break it down, it's the sentence you think in your brain  immediately after someone says words, right?

You can do this for any circumstance.  Right? Whether it's the dentist,    your partner,  some stranger.  I think I shared on my Instagram, like a story about a stranger screaming at me. And it's like, this is how we actually create neutrality  and emotional capacity.    This is how we get to choose the experience we have  rather than simply reacting to what someone says.

And this is a practice. And I'm going to do another podcast episode after this about the difference between  like giving ourselves permission to feel the way we feel and not bypassing it, right? Because that's also not what this process is. And  this specific episode is about what is the sentence that you think after someone says words.  And honestly, you can use this formula to and apply it to your acting and like the objectives and the intentions is really interesting. 

This will help you understand where your current beliefs are  and like the biases that you're creating in your mind. Because again, it would have been such a different experience if I went into this meeting with my agents thinking they haven't been getting me enough appointments. They haven't been submitting me. Like I don't know what's going on over there. My career is at a standstill because of my agents, like if I was not taking responsibility and creating space to hear, receive, to work together, if I was already putting myself in a position where I'm against them,  that's going to inform how I hear their words  versus when I'm thinking my agents are on my side and they want me to succeed. 

Then I don't have to think about any of those things while I'm in the meeting. I'm just listening. And receiving and responding and excited because again, I'm like, this is time to collaborate  and create new possibilities.  Right? The same is true when they said, you know,  we have to just like keep working on this specific thing.  That's doable. That's simple and doable. But even that is a sentence that you could choose to think,  right?

Imagine if your doctor says to you, your blood pressure is really high  and you know,  you need to look at,  I don't even know, I'm making this up now, but you need to look at what you're eating and this and that. The difference between being overwhelmed by words that someone says  and feeling calm  is a sentence that you choose to think in your head, right? Again, if your doctor says, like, we have to work on this, we have to lower your sugars, I don't know, I'm making this up. If your thought is like, oh, that's simple and doable, I can figure this out.  We tap into a new train of thought, a new Thought Umbrella,  where we feel capable  and ready to step into clear, simple steps  versus overwhelm.

Imagine if I heard what they said and I was like,  Oh my gosh, this is going to be so much work. I don't know where to start. I've been doing everything I can  and like I pick up a Thought Umbrella that creates despair and judgment and anger towards my agents.  Which one is more useful? Which one actually moves me towards the results I want?  It's choosing the sentence  and what I make their words mean  which  creates the experience that I have inside of my body.

Okay.  I want to give you like a couple of more examples, right? I shared, and actually I shared this in the last episode, right? My mom recently saying, you're becoming very unpredictable. I took that very playfully and I made it mean amazing. I'm doing new things. Of course, I'm going to be unpredictable. I like being unpredictable.  Right. Versus like, my mom thinks I'm not living my life the right way.   Both sentences are optional. What I make her sentence mean is my responsibility. 

It's not even like responsibility in a bad way, in a heavy way. It's like, I just have a choice.  I get to choose what I make someone else's words mean. And  the emotional freedom that comes from that  depends on the sentence that I choose to think.

This is like the exact same reason why people are so triggered by the question,  what are you up to?  What are you doing next?  Right? Those sentences,  when people ask those questions  create the feeling  in your body based on what you make their question mean.  If you decide that is the most offensive question you could ask an actor,  of course, you're going to feel heated.  You're going to feel  like hot and bothered by this question,  right?  But if you hear that question and you make it mean,  this person cares about my life.  They're interested  in my current circumstances,  it just gets to be a totally different experience.

 And sometimes we do this  like unconsciously based on like, our thoughts about a person, right? Our best friend asking us the same question could mean something totally different than someone you haven't seen from the program you graduated college from. Or like an old professor or someone that you have strong opinions about.  You are going to fill in the blanks in your brain and you're going to make that question or that sentence mean something different,  again, based on your thoughts.

  So,  Imagine that any time someone says words,  you get to one, be aware of what is the sentence that my brain is thinking now?    That alone  will be transformative. If you start uncoupling  the unconscious response to someone's words and start  observing, witnessing what your brain says next, it will be life changing. Okay. On top of that, if you choose intentionally  to make their words neutral,  that will be life changing.  If you decide  to make their words in support of you  even better, like that is what I choose to do, which is creating a positive bias,  right? It's like, I'm going to choose to believe that everything my agents say is because they're in support of me. Because they want to watch my career thrive.  That's me creating a positive bias so that anything I hear them say, I'm already decided  that it's for me. 

This is like also why people feel like burdened or taken advantage of  when people make requests.  This is a whole other thing, but like,  imagine someone asks you to do something  and  they're simply  saying, Hey, like, do you have time  to do this? Can you help me out? Can you do X, Y, or Z?  If the sentence in your brain  is like, I have so much going on. Why the fuck are they asking me this?  Right? Of course, you're going to have an emotion  that feels connected to that sentence that you just thought,  right?  Or if they say  words and you think  that is an unreasonable request.

Again,  imagine the sentence  in your brain creating that feeling that triggers and corresponds to that thought, right? Because our thoughts and feelings are always connected.  Versus someone asking you to do something  and you having the thought,  I can't do that and it's okay.  They're not wrong for asking, but my answer is still no.  Right? Like neutral.  They're allowed to ask, and this is my response. The feeling of burden, taken advantage, of all comes from our thoughts.  And if this is blowing your mind, come join us.  This is the work we're doing all day every day to really, truly, deeply master  and gain awareness of how our thoughts create our experience. 

So the takeaway from this podcast episode is one,  start watching what happens in your brain when people say words,  ask yourself, what am I making this mean?  And then ask yourself, what do I want to make this mean?  How do I want to feel? And what would I need to think  to feel that way right now?

This is the difference of hearing words and using it for you versus feeling triggered, spiraling, and creating a lot of negative energy or resistance towards a person, thing, circumstance, et cetera.  And when you start doing this more intentionally,  you get to really recalibrate the energy of your career and the energy of your life.

  I know it's so simple and so profound. Give it another listen and let me know how this impacts the rest of your week. All right. I will meet you back here for another episode.

Hey, I want to invite you to get started because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. You get to love your life as an actor, singer or dancer, even including auditions. And if that sounds amazing, come join us inside of Momentum. You get lifetime access to The Performers Plan, coaching, community and more, and I will be supporting you the entire way. Go to Kelliyoungmanwellness.com/momentum to join us now.