Ep 56: Dealing with Jealousy and Envy

 In this episode, we're going to be talking about why jealousy and envy comes up and what to do about it on the other side. Because there's no point in staying salty about other people and what they're accomplishing. And I'm going to give you a much better way to handle it. You ready? Let's do it.

Hello! You are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am the Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 56 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. So much has been happening in my world. First of all, if I sound a little stiff, sniffly, sniffly, I have a little bit of a summer cold, so hopefully that's not too distracting for you as you're listening. The second thing is that this past week I got to attend New York Fashion Week with my partner, who if you've been following my Instagram is a fashion designer, they wouldn't use that label themselves, but it was so fun to get to be there to be present and to get to see their work shine in such a full way. And so, yeah, I went through my first New York fashion week as a Muse. It was so cool.

That sounds so, um, that sounds so small in comparison to the experience that I had and maybe I'll do a whole episode on that in the future and talking about it and just, yeah, a lot of wonder and appreciation for this whole new perspective into the world of fashion that I was never really familiar with prior to this. So it's been super fun. I feel like there's really so many things I want to say and as I've mentioned I'm in a period of transition in my own life and it's been really interesting to navigate while holding space for new things, letting go of the old and still coming back to the simplicity that our life is happening now, life is happening today, and that we really get to celebrate and embrace wherever we are.

I was talking to a client earlier today and I feel like it's so easy to forget that we're not supposed to be running around happy all the time and, you know, living some kind of life that projects perfection. I think that it's really easy to forget that even people, like myself included, I think I had to go through this learning of knowing that that just like simply wasn't the goal, right? When we start getting a taste of like what it feels like to be happier, joyful, more present, more of the time, that doesn't mean that the other moments are less valuable or that they shouldn't exist, right? Like truly we need the contrast and there's so much beauty in allowing ourselves to experience the contrast in a way that does not make us wrong.

And so to anyone out there, my client included, who was, you know, saying they think I just run around happy all the time. I'm not! I have very human moments. I have very, I also have a very human brain. I've made that very clear I think, and I'll continue to say it is that. being a life coach does not make me exempt to having human thoughts and to having to sit with discomfort of things that are coming up and allowing them to pass and redirecting my brain as well, right? Like a hundred percent, we all have to keep doing the work and it just really is not a set it and forget it kind of thing, right? Like we really are just continuing to be present and available and to just allow ourselves to have the experience we want to have.

And so that actually brings me into today's episode, which I kept thinking I wanted to talk about a specific topic today, but as I'm sitting down to record, I want to go a slightly different direction. I think this aligns with the idea or the perception that we aren't where we think we should be, right? Or the awareness that other people are killing it and maybe that creates a judgment that we're not. And I think it's so fascinating, because this happens to me, it happens to my clients, it happens to all of us, where we can totally be in the most blissful, joyful state. And then we notice that someone else has something, or maybe, I don't know. I think this happens to all of us, but I know for me that, especially growing up, it was always like, well, if they have that, I should have it too.

Whether it was like a Lisa Frank folder. Now I'm totally aging myself or like noticing that someone got the lead in a show, right? And that you got cast as the ensemble or having the awareness that someone had something that you perceived was better than what you have or where you are. And I've been thinking about this a lot for myself because when this is happening, it's so freaking uncomfortable. And, now that I've practiced and I know myself and I have the skill of awareness, I also know that this is just a thought. The thought that I should be somewhere else. I should be further along. Like, I feel like they're all under the same thought umbrella, but specifically when it comes to awareness of other people.

And I know for me it creates a feeling of envy or jealousy or guilt, that I'm, you know, not doing more. Sometimes shame, like pick your flavor, right? They all kind of weave together and all of them truly, again, are just thoughts. So, I thought that it would be valuable to talk about on this episode in terms of really like, creating safety to have the experience you're having, and then also talk about some ways that you can navigate it to make it a little less resistant, a little less uncomfortable, and to also come back to truth that you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

Right? And I'm actually really glad we're talking about this today because I realized that even though I've written posts and emails about this topic, I don't know that I've actually articulated it on the podcast itself. So I'm glad it's making its way here.

So one of the things that is always really helpful for me is to first just slow down. Slow down enough to notice that someone else's post is creating a thought and a feeling inside of me, right? Remember that our thoughts are everything. Our thoughts are always creating our feelings, our emotions or vice versa. You might notice the feeling before you even know what the specific thought is. Either way, those two things are always linked together because our experience is coming from our consciousness, right?

So, I feel like the first thing that I like to do, again, is just slow down. Slow down to give myself a moment to process what I'm thinking and feeling. From there. Then you really can get curious of like, Oh, okay. I'm either having a judgment about this person, their accomplishments, their success, their relationship, et cetera. Right. And I feel like in the age of social media, there's just so much more, um, Maybe the word is comparison or, you know, I feel like a lot of us are aware of the idea that everything that we post on social media can be a lot of times the highlight reel, right? We don't actually know what people are going through or experiencing just from looking at what's on their feed, right?

And so when it comes to slowing down, it's just really being curious, getting curious with yourself, being aware. And also. Giving yourself permission to know that it's a thought, right? We don't have to judge or add The Second Layer of being a bad person or any of that, um, on top of it.

A lot of times I find that it's like, my clients also, I think I talked about this on the entitlement episode of like, well, I've worked through this, I shouldn't have to do this again, right? And that comes back to remembering that this is not set it and forget it. And our brains are going to brain. So noticing, step one, noticing, having the awareness, like just letting yourself remember it's a thought, not a truth of the universe, that it's a thought, right?

The other thing that always helps me is to also remember that any kind of, like, especially jealousy or envy or any kind of comparison that doesn't feel good, only one thing is ever happening, right? At least, I don't know about you, but my brain likes to create like this unfairness and unfairness and injustice, um, and inequality. And not to say those things are not real and don't exist in some capacity, right? And it's just interesting to watch your own brain and to get specific with you and your own brain, right? Like, I'm just being very transparent about what my tendency is.

My tendency is to think it's so much easier for them. They didn't have as many obstacles. And I think we do this in our own way, thinking we're like special snowflakes. Like our situation is harder or more complicated than other people's, right? And so when you notice that you're having compare and despair and it's not feeling good, the reason it doesn't feel good is because deep down, no matter what it is, we're on some level telling ourselves that we don't have it or that we can't have it, right?

That's the only reason why it doesn't feel good when you see someone else posting a first day of school pic and they have their binder and they're about to start rehearsals, right? It's like, Oh, must be nice. So happy for you. Congratulations. Great for you. You're starting rehearsals and like, if that ping of jealousy is coming up, it isn't good, bad, right or wrong. The only reason it doesn't feel good is because you're telling yourself that you don't have it or that you can't have it. Right?

And I said, I've said this a few times and maybe I've even said it on the podcast, but I repeat myself and I will continue to repeat myself. One of the analogies that I think is so useful, especially with jealousy or envy is remembering that it is your biggest gift. It is your biggest teacher. It's your biggest friend. It does not make you a bad person. It does not make you an insecure person. It just makes you a person with a brain, right?

Anytime you have jealousy, envy, anything under that umbrella of emotions, the reason why it's so helpful is because it's a literal spotlight. It is shining a light on one of your desires, whether it's in the front of your brain or not. Or it's shining a light on something you are telling yourself that you actively cannot or do not have and that is the only reason why it does not feel good.

If it was not relevant to you, like I'm trying to think of an example, but if someone that I knew posted a photo that said, I don't know, I just like did this sports thing. I don't know. And I'm saying this only because sports are not really my thing. But if someone like accomplished something that was not relevant to me at all, I would have no reaction. It like just literally wouldn't create an emotion. I'd just be like, Oh my God, that's so cool. Right. Or if someone went and traveled somewhere and they were posting things and they just look so happy, I'd be like, Oh, that's so nice. They're so happy. If that place wasn't on my destination list or had no interest in visiting that, that place, I wouldn't feel any kind of way, cause I would just be like, that's amazing for them.

And so I think that it's so good, to just have the awareness that when the discomfort's coming up, it's only ever because of a thought, a judgment, a fear about our own capabilities and what we will or will not accomplish in our life. And I think that's amazing.

The reason being is that one, again, All of these are thoughts, right? So if we're having the thought like, Oh, that would be nice, dot, dot, dot, but I can't, that's just a thought we have the power to remove. The other thing is, I just think when we think of our feelings as a spotlight, we can use the information that we have to start creating the thing that we do want, right?

We can just start asking better quality questions, higher quality questions, or taking our brain to higher quality thinking to actually contribute and create the result we're wanting to experience. And again, when I say result, I just mean like the outcome or the goal, the achieved goal, or the feeling, whatever it is, like the experience that we want to have can be worked towards once we know and identify what result we're working. If you didn't listen to last week's podcast, go back and listen to that.

And so again, it's just valuable information all of the time. The other thing that I think is like so helpful for me too, is to remember that no matter where you are, no matter what level of air quotes success, where you are in your career, like these thoughts just will come up at every level of growth. And so when you are learning to understand that these are thoughts that you don't have to go into a tailspin about judging the thoughts, or trying to understand why you're having them or where they're coming from, right? When you can just have the awareness and watch them float on by, it just creates less resistance. That's one.

And two, you also then just have the ability to really keep your eyes on your own paper. Right? I know we've all thought of this before. It's like, stay in your own lane, put your blinders on. And I think sometimes we don't do this because we want to be aware or supportive or keep up with what people are doing. But the truth is, is that you have to be willing to check in and just ask yourself, is this serving me? Is this thought serving me? Is this hyper awareness serving me?

Now, again, I don't think it's good, bad, right, or wrong, but if you're using it against yourself, it's just not the most loving thing you can do. It doesn't really, allow you to have your own back through the experience you're having, if you're then using it as a judgment and comparison and a milestone. The thing is, is that everyone is going through their own unique journeys on their own unique timing. So to use any of that against you, It's just doing a disservice to your own energy. And when you start creating the thoughts of I should be doing more or they're doing better or actually now this thing that I thought was amazing sucks because X, Y, and Z, right? Like it just is so simple. And again, comes back to where you're aligning your focus, where you're putting your thoughts and energy and when you're keeping them focused on other people, really any thought, judgment, perception you're having about them is, is only taking away from you in that moment. It's diluting the energy that you have to give your own life and your own work and your own joy and your own love. Right?

And so, The point of this being is that really, truly, it's not a problem when we have these thoughts or notice them come up. We always want to just zoom out and have the awareness that they're thoughts. We want to come back to truth. And I feel like I'm going to do another podcast about this because it's like been really like permeating my brain and my life lately of remembering that there are no rules. We literally get to just live our lives and do the things that matter to us. There's no grade at the end of life. There's no, you know, star point system. There's no high silver, platinum, gold medals, right? Like we are just here to do what we love, to do what lights us up, to accomplish the things that matter to us. And the most efficient, effective way to do that is to always be giving ourselves the thoughts that serve us, that allow us to prioritize how we feel. And that still honor and respect other people where they are, but also honoring ourselves and where we are first and foremost. Because you are the one responsible for creating the experience that you want to have. And that starts in your mind first.

Now, if you are listening to this in real time, guess what? I have a really fun masterclass that is happening next week on Tuesday, September 19th. I'm going to be doing a free class all about The #1 Belief that is needed for your career. It's going to be at 12. p. m. Eastern time on Zoom and you can go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/class to register and i'm actually going to be doing a class It's based on the one thought that will keep you tethered into belief and excitement and joy and eagerness for you and your own goals - whether it's personally, professionally, financially, right? This thought is going to serve you. And when you have this one thought, this one belief, it really is going to anchor in and counteract any of these other feelings and perceptions that might be coming up for you. So you don't want to miss it. It's on Tuesday, September 19th, again, you can go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/class to register now. All right. That is what I got for you this week. 

Remember these feelings, these awarenesses, these perceptions, all of it is always for you. It's the biggest gift. It's the biggest flashlight spotlight on the things that matter to you. And if you don't have a judgment about it, you just get to utilize that for your own joy, fulfillment, and inner peace. All right. I'll meet you back here for another episode. 

Hey, I want to invite you to get started because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. If you're committed to loving your life as an actor, singer, or dancer, come join us inside of The Performers Plan. You get lifetime access to the program, the community, and high quality coaching for the rest of your career. Go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/theperformersplan to join us now.

I'll see you inside.