Ep 52: Entitlement

In this episode, we're going to be talking about entitlement and the ways it might be disconnecting you from the things you want to create. I'm going to give you three ways to start engaging with it in a more useful way so that you can get back to actively creating the things that you desire. You ready? Let's do it. 

Hello. You are listening to the love your life as a performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life - both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 52 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. Before we jump into today's episode, I want to just say I am celebrating the fuck out of my clients. And I wanted to share a few fun wins that have been happening recently that I think just reflect the value and commitment that my clients show up to the work with, to our coaching with, and as a result, their lives are freaking changing.

One of my clients is celebrating consistent $6K months. Another client said no to working a survival job that was really depleting and then went on to make more money than they've ever made in one month, right? Like the possibilities change when our thoughts change. The possibilities shift and the reality shifts when we expand what we're actively creating, right? And this client also just had a Broadway callback and is now closer to their dream than ever before. 

Another client is freaking heading to Paris and taking their husband on a vacation. And it's something that they've wanted to do for a really long time. And now that their business has grown and expanded and they're leaning into their acting career, like it's all just so freaking possible, right? And now it's like this manifestation, this dream that's in real time happening in real life. Like how freaking cool is that? You know, the wins that my clients are experiencing, yes, are directly related to their career. And again, they're also related to life, right?

It's like being willing to honor raising your rates, being willing to investigate how can I show up for my dream in a way that feels healthy and supported. And like my clients, in addition to all of this wild cool shit that's happening, they're also leaning into the hard, leaning into the growth and committing, recommitting over and over and over again to the life that they're wanting to create.

Because yes, we can celebrate all of the wins that feel amazing. Those are so fun. And the reality is that some clients are in seasons of struggle, seasons of change or transition of challenge and growth. And those are just as fucking celebratory and worth acknowledging because through that work, that's what creates the breakthroughs, right? Being willing to go through the shit, knowing that who you get to be on the other side is, it's going to be worth it, right? 

I feel like I'm definitely in a season of like, I just went through a huge year of transformation. I shared some of it on the podcast last week. And now I am in the freaking season of like soaring. Like I keep just coming back to like, this is my season to soar. And it feels so aligned, so delicious, so happy, so bright. And it's not necessarily. Better or more valuable than the other seasons that have been really hard, right? Like we get to celebrate both ends of the experience, knowing that all of it is always contributing to our highest growth, expansion, and living the life that we really, truly desire, right?

With that, let's jump into today's episode. You know, something that's been coming up recently for clients is a little bit of entitlement. And I think entitlement shows up in a few different ways, you know, it can show up with entitlement to jobs, you know, I think sometimes, or at least for me in the beginning, right? Like, You go to school, you get the BFA, you're like, great, I'm in New York, I'm auditioning. We sometimes can be entitled and feel entitled to booking work now that we've done the air quote work of getting the degree, right? 

And we can also be entitled to have things go really easy or really smoothly, because that's what we want. And we forget that, yes, we can have all the intention in the world. We can, you know, be aligned and visualizing the best case scenario and life is going to life, right? Life is going to life. Brains are going to brain. Shit's going to come up. And like how we relate and respond and receive things when they don't go our way is also just like a subtle sign of entitlement, right?

The thing that I really want to talk about on today's episode though, is when we start assuming that because we have tools, because we have done the work, because we have learned how to navigate our mindset, the way entitlement's been showing up for some of my clients is like them being really surprised or like frustrated and annoyed and disappointed when they bump up against some mind drama. So I've been really enjoying checking in with my clients and holding up the Truth Mirror and showing them that they're being entitled to having no mind drama. They're being really entitled to feeling like they should have perfect thoughts, perfect awareness, perfect ease all of the time.

And in case you haven't realized this, that is just not how human brains work. No matter what, our thoughts are always going to arise and it's truly just releasing, learning how to release that, that allows us to not be in entitlement. So we're going to talk about three ways you can engage with entitlement and allow it to not be a problem. Because again, like, as always, the point of this, the point of coaching, the point of learning how to manage your mind is so that you can have more inner peace. And the inner peace is always coming from the amount of neutrality and the awareness, the curiosity that we offer to ourselves, right? 

And so just so that we're on the same page, right, like I literally just looked up the definition of entitlement and I'm just going to read it to you, okay? Entitlement is: The fact of having a right to something. The amount to which a person has a right. The belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. 

And it's just so funny to think about this in the context of mind drama, which again, like when I'm using the term mind drama, I just mean like doubts or fears, or, you know, your brain offering things that are not useful, or, you know, maybe feel like a problem. Like that's what I mean by using the word "mind drama." 

And so I love when my clients get to a place where they're so good at managing their minds that sometimes they're like, Hey, wait a second, I already figured this out. I shouldn't have to go through this again. I shouldn't be having these thoughts again. I shouldn't have to work through this discomfort again, right? And so they're feeling very entitled to not having that experience. But like I said, that is just part of the human brain, right? Like our thoughts just simply come up and it's how we respond and engage with them that creates the neutrality or not. 

So the first way that you can engage with any mind drama is simply by acknowledging it and seeing that it's not a problem. Like, I really want you to be willing to see that thoughts can come up and you can watch them float on by. I gave this analogy on my Instagram. I'm not sure if I said it on the podcast yet. But I want you to imagine that you are sitting at a bus stop and all of these different buses are going by and you just get to choose which one you go on. Right? So the buses of doubt, of fear, of uncertainty. All of these buses can be going by, judgment, entitlement, and whatever bus you get on is going to be the experience that you have.

Whatever thought you start engaging with, that's the experience you're going to have. Because we know that our thoughts are directly correlated to our feelings, right? So when you're dealing with entitlement, really, truly, the first thing that you want to be willing to do is say, Oh, I'm feeling entitled. Like truly, I remember having this experience for myself of like, Oh, I'm feeling entitled to not having to do this thing, right? I'm feeling entitled to not have to have this experience. Like I'm annoyed and frustrated by it because I'm thinking the thought "I shouldn't have to do this." Right? So you just want to be onto yourself.

If you're having the thought I shouldn't have to do this or any kind of like this is beneath me or this is inconvenient, right? Any of those thoughts, you just want to have awareness of it because, of course, when you're feeling or thinking those thoughts, you're going to be feeling that way. Right? And so the simplest, easiest way to soften entitlement is to acknowledge that you are being entitled.

And I have to be honest, the first couple of times you realize it, it's going to be a little uncomfortable. Or it might be uncomfortable. And what I strongly recommend is that you're willing to remove the second layer, right? So we're not feeling entitled. And then we have the awareness and we judge that we're feeling entitled. No. We simply acknowledge it and witness it in the most neutral loving way. It's just valuable feedback. Okay. 

The second way you can engage with and sort of navigate entitlement is simply by asking the question. What if that isn't true? What if the opposite is true? So when you're having the thought, I shouldn't have to deal with this. I shouldn't have to do this, right? You're just going to ask yourself the question. What if that isn't true? What if the opposite is true? Right? It's almost like the same as asking yourself, what is right about this circumstance? Instead of looking at what is wrong. Like, why is it? Right. Air quote, right. Why is it perfectly timed? Why is it for my benefit that this current experience is happening? Right? 

Like I'm just even thinking like another thing that comes up. I feel like there's a whole other podcast, but I know a lot of times performers feel entitled to not go to ECCs or EPAs, right? They're like, Oh, well, if I have an agent, I should be able to get an appointment. And if I don't, I'm not going to go, right? It's like still coming back to the thought, I shouldn't have to do this shit. And any time we're having that thought, it's just like, how could the opposite be true? How could it be of value that I should have to do this? And you know, me, I, I think shoulds are soggy, but I want you to be willing to just explore the alternative, explore the opposite, and find a perspective that shows that no matter what, the experience you're having is of value.

What is here, what is present is always here for us. And so when you're looking at what is right about this, what makes sense about this, it's like. Oh, like, I love that ECCs and EPAs are in place so that I can be seen. And if you're non union, you know, obviously the same is true. Like, it's like, how am I willing to show up and engage with this? And what's the value? It's like, why is this valuable for me? How is the opposite true? Right? Like all of these questions give you the opportunity to refocus the way you're currently engaging with the circumstance. 

Again, whether it's going to auditions or, you know, going and getting a second job, or literally anything that we're feeling entitled to... having no mind drama, having to ask for coaching, having to revisit the same idea or thought or having to relearn a lesson, right? It's like, how is this all for me? And when we find the value and the rightness rather than the wrongness, again, using those terms loosely, cause there's not one good, bad, right, or wrong, but it's like, why do I want to welcome and allow this? How am I going to grow from this? It's just truly changing the perspective of inviting in the thing that you're trying to push away, right? Does that make sense? 

The third thing that can help when you're thinking about, you know, entitlement and softening entitlement is removing the idea that it's like black or white, all or nothing thinking, right? It's like, again, getting curious with yourself of where you're maybe attached to an idea of perfection or an idea that's like one way or not, right? I'm thinking about this specifically in the realm of like having no mind drama. This idea of like perfection of like once I've worked through a certain topic or once I've worked through a certain limiting belief, like it should just never come again.

It's like that would be like the idea of like, okay, well, I cleaned my bathroom once. I shouldn't have to clean it again. And it's like, no, of course, over time, you're going to have to clean it again. And like, that's not a problem. It's just like to be expected. Right. So it's like really inviting in the idea that things are going to come up, that things are going to happen, circumstances are going to happen, and just because you've gone before or figured something out before, right? It's like really removing the idea that it's a problem and not expecting perfection. Not expecting that things should always go your way, which sounds so simple and you would be surprised... 

LIke, honestly, every time I mentioned this to my clients, all they do is laugh. We just laugh so hard because it's so funny. Like it really is so funny that our brains think like, this should not be happening. I've already done this before. I don't want to do this again. Like it's just so telling when our brains want to be really resistant and like in the humor, in the softening, in the expecting rather than being shocked by like a lack of perfection, it's just really inviting in that things can change, things will happen and it isn't good, bad, right, or wrong, right? 

Sometimes I see clients making it an indicator of, you know, that they're not good enough, or they haven't figured it out. Or it's like, I ended up back here again. And it's like, of course you did. You have a human brain and when you're able and willing to see that it's neutral, that you can shift your perspective about whatever's coming up, whatever the circumstance is, and when you're willing to drop the entitlement, then there's just literally curiosity, possibility, and the potential for allowing whatever's coming up to be in your favor, to be working out for you, even if your brain wants to perceive it as something that's a problem, right?

So the last thing again, is really just being willing to not expect perfection of yourself, of the circumstances, of life, of other people, and of your brain, right? Like we are not robots. We are not machines. And yes, we can align to our highest frequency. We can expect the best things and like I said, life is going to life. Things are going to happen. And when we're not expecting or attached to perfection or one specific outcome, or if we're willing to be attached to it and then we're willing to be disappointed - that's also a freaking available option - and it's just like it can just be so much less resistance when you're not making it a problem.

So, those are the three solutions for shifting the way you're engaging with entitlement. Like really having neutral awareness then shifting the perspective, finding the rightness about why this thing is here. Why you're working through this or the thing you don't want to do, how that's going to benefit you, and then your willingness to know it's not going to be perfect. Like your thoughts are not going to be perfect. You're not going to be perfect. There's like no such thing as perfect. And when you decide it's enough, when you decide your enoughness, when you decide that it's not a problem or that you're not above or beneath doing something, right? You just get to choose how you want to feel about what you're doing and how you're showing up, always.

And you also get to decide how you choose and feel about the thoughts that come up in your mind, in the mind drama. When it's like not a problem, it's just like, of course. That also changes the way you are relating to it, the way you're engaging and responding and treating yourself in the having of it, in the having of the circumstance, the mind drama, et cetera, right? It's all the same. Okay. 

So the homework I want to give you is I want you to just start paying attention to when you're feeling entitled and get really specific, get really granular. What are the signs that show you you're feeling entitled? Do you start like complaining about things? Do you start texting your friends about how much the industry sucks? How much your agent sucks? Are you rolling your eyes at X, Y, and Z? Are you drawing comparisons of people who you perceive don't have the same struggles as you? Right? I don't know. I'm making this shit up, but I want you to get specific with yourself. What are your own signs that show you that you are feeling and being entitled in your life, your career, and your relationships? 

Okay. And then I want you to be specific about how do you want to treat yourself? What is the process? How are you going to stop, drop and roll when you are being entitled? And again, be specific for yourself. How are you going to react and respond? What does it look like to not have a Second Layer about the entitlement, but just really being willing to witness it, right? 

Maybe it is slowing down to look at, okay, these are the thoughts I'm having. I'm going to write them down. I'm going to do a thought download. I'm just going to journal about this, or maybe I'm going to like really visualize these buses going by and see that this isn't how I want my experience to be. And then you're going to also just look at, who do I get to be when I'm willing to drop the entitlement? When I'm willing to love and engage with what is present, when I make it not a problem, when I start normalizing that mind drama or circumstances will arise over and over again, maybe even in unexpected times, how can I use it for me?

Right. How can I create a relationship with circumstances so that I am not entering entitlement? So that I stop feeling entitled, even before it arises. How do I create a protocol for myself so that entitlement is not my go to response. And you can only really find that for yourself once you've taken time to identify and understand what it looks like for you specifically to be entitled, right?

There are some ways that we might have like similar patterns. And when you're really searching your own brain and coming up with your own solutions, your own thoughts, your own red flags, or like indicators of your entitlement, it's just going to be so much more useful for you, because you're creating essentially your own guide for yourself, your own understanding for yourself. Be on to yourself, be honest with yourself. Lovingly hold up a truth mirror and don't make it a problem, right? We all have moments of being entitled, and when we drop the entitlement, so much more becomes available.

Okay, that's what I got for you this week. If you are listening in real time, I want to just say on the podcast, I've been sharing it on social media that I do currently have openings for one on one spots. We work together for six months at a time, and we literally change and address the things that are keeping you up at night, so that you can live a healthier, more aligned, less stressful life and you can start creating proactively the things you want to be experiencing. Like it's that simple life. Can feel really fucking good even as a professional actor, singer, dancer. Even as a creative that's living a creative life.

Like there's just literally no limit to what you can create and if you're interested in working together and getting started now, bringing your ideas into reality, you're going to go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch and book a launch call today. We'll spend 60 minutes talking about you and everything you're wanting to build and every dream that you're wanting to realize, and we're just going to get to work and we're going to create it. Okay. I will meet you back here for another episode.

Hey, I want to invite you to get started because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. If you're committed to loving your life as an actor, singer, or dancer, come join us inside of The Performers Plan. You get lifetime access to the program, the community and high quality coaching for the rest of your career. Go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/theperformersplan to join us now. I'll see you inside.