Ep 51: One Year of Transformation

 In this episode, we're celebrating one year of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. So I'm taking a walk down memory lane and sharing some of my biggest breakthroughs over the last year. You ready? Let's do it. 

Hello, you are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman, and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life. Both on and off the stage.

Hello, and welcome back to episode 51 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I am recording this the day after my birthday, which also means we are celebrating one year of the podcast. Because I literally launched it last year on my 33rd birthday, and I have to be honest, yesterday I had the most beautiful day and it was also surprising, maybe not surprising, but I, no, actually I was surprised. I was a little bit surprised by the emotions that came up and just a mix of array of the human experience that's available in one day. 

And so, before I get into that, what I do want to say is that, you know, I'm super proud of the fact that it's been a whole entire year of the podcast. I remember when I began, how I was feeling about it and just how, how excited I was to create this and to have this online space where people could receive bits of my coaching and current clients, future clients could listen and be inspired and take something away that just shifted or made an impact in their week, in their lives. And I know that for so many of you, that's what this podcast has been for the last year.

And so one, I'm just super, super proud that it happened. For the most part it's remained consistent, and it's been such an amazing way to create value for my business, for the industry, and to show myself that literally anything and everything is possible. 

So yeah, on my birthday, I was definitely feeling nostalgic and reflective. And it's so wild to me that so much can change in a year. And I was thinking back to my birthday last year and I held a party on the roof of my building. I rented it out. Um, I was, you know, had friends over and it was a big to do and I actually felt so again, proud of the fact that I celebrated my birthday to that extreme. I bought a special cake. I had a dress. It was a very, um, celebratory shared experience. And I noticed. that as my birthday was approaching this year, I had some mixed feelings and again, not necessarily good, bad, right or wrong, but I could feel that something about this birthday, the way I was relating to this year, the way I was approaching this year felt different.

And again, it isn't good, bad, right or wrong, but it's just interesting to notice when the vibe, the energy is just so different. And what I've kind of contributed that to is just the fact that I've been going through major life changes, right? Like I ended a relationship, I'm figuring things out on my own and I am in a period of recalibrating, redefining, reimagining what my life gets to look and feel like, and that is so fun and also wildly terrifying in moments, right? Like wildly uncertain in moments. And I mean, if you know anything about me from this podcast, you know that I lean into that full heartedly. And that doesn't excuse me or exempt me from having very, very human emotions. 

And so, yeah, I want to be really honest about the fact that yesterday, my birthday was magical in so many ways, and I felt loved and cherished and I got to spend, um, the weekend seeing my family, going to Coney Island. I got to do so many fun things and I'm so freaking grateful. For the way that the people in my life showed up, communicated, celebrated, expressed love and appreciation and all of it.

And I also noticed myself having sadness and grief and loss, and I don't know if there's another word, but I think it's just, again, like deep reflectiveness of everything that's transpired and acknowledging the ways that my life is different. Acknowledging the ways that I'm not with the same person that I was for almost nine years of my life. And recognizing that this was sort of the first birthday that was going to pass where we weren't together.

And of course, human emotions came up with that. And. I, again, I'm just feeling so grateful and in awe of the people in my life and myself in holding space for that experience without making it wrong. You know, I had plans to go out with a friend and have an adventure day and it really ended up being a quite intimate night in. There was still a celebratory... and what a gift right to like be willing to lean into what is present to honor it and to be present with yourself wherever you are. 

I am getting really emotional talking about this because I think it really comes back to the growth and the transformation that I've been experiencing, but deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply expanded through this past year. And honestly, that's what this podcast is all about. It's a look back on how I've gotten to this place, how I have become the version of me that is so honest. Honest with myself, honest with others and so thoughtful about how I want to live my life and how I choose to experience the world. 

Wow, I did not imagine I was going to be so emotional.

Again, if you've been following me for a while, you know that I really deeply feel that emotions are neutral. They're not good, bad, right or wrong. We can love our tears, I mean, crying is my favorite. We can love all of it so much and the more willing we're able to allow these emotions to flow, to be present, to not make them wrong. That is like, to me, the definition of being alive, of being willing to truly be exactly where you are and know that there is nothing wrong with you. And to also be so clear that when these emotions come up, they're always connected to our thoughts. 

And I think most people associate crying with, like, something's gone wrong or something's sad. But to me, most of my tears are, like, this deep sense of purpose, this deep sense of alive, of gratitude, of appreciation, of awe. That's something I've really been feeling so much for myself. So, so much awe of how I've been willing to navigate and grow and trust myself and honor my decisions, all of it. And so, whew, okay, let me take a breath and then I'm going to talk through some of the big changes that happened in this last year. 

Okay. I am going to try to hold it together for the rest of the podcast, but I have to be honest, I just took like a 10 minute pause to just cry, because I am literally experiencing a life that I did not know was possible.

And this is the result of coaching. This is the result of doing this work of leaning in, of consciously choosing to change and expand. To consciously stretch what I believe is possible in this lifetime and holding the belief even before the result has come, right? Like that is like the magic of allowing the universe to deliver exactly what you've been asking for.

But I am dead serious. I am dead ass so in awe and like truly, truly reminded of the magic of being human, of being alive, when I look at my life now. And the things that I'm experiencing, the ways that I'm feeling, the freedom that I feel. That did not happen on accident, that was created!

And so here are a few, if not all, I will try to remember... some of the biggest transformations that happened in my own life, in my own breakthroughs over the past year.

And I will say that like, This transformation, these breakthroughs did not come without struggle and maybe not struggle, but challenge like this last year was really challenging in a lot of ways. You know, I was in my second round of the 200k Mastermind this past year, and it was a moment where I really I sat with the discomfort of making investments and getting what I came for and also recognizing when I wasn't doing things the way I thought I was supposed to be doing them. Right? Like I remember when I decided I wanted to do a group and to launch The Paradigm, like all of that happened within the last year.

And I remember feeling Very scared to be coloring outside of the lines of what I thought I was supposed to be doing. And it ended up being so freaking magical. I had three founding members of the first round of The Paradigm. And actually I'm super excited because I am going to be recording a podcast with all three of them and you will get to hear some of their experience firsthand. And it created this magical space for creatives, entrepreneurs, and really heart centered humans to mastermind, be inspired, and grow together.

That like literally did not exist a year ago. I mean, this podcast did not exist a year ago. Okay. But again, the transformation and the breakthrough that had to occur to create that was really expanding my self trust, being willing to honor what felt like a Fuck Yes. Even when that felt a little bit scary. 

I also invested on top of the mastermind, another $20K to work with a coach that blew my mind and also changed so much, I had to sit with the discomfort of starting to see the edges of where my relationship was not working for me. As someone who looks intentionally for the ways things are working, it was really uncomfortable to start acknowledging the way things were not working. The ways that I was letting my boundaries and my own desires be wishy washy. Like, that was a huge freaking moment of growth.

I think that in the last year, I really sat with a lot of my own people pleasing, like all of that became really clear. And I started honoring and allowing people to have their experience without taking it on in a really, really deep way, including when, like, I remember when I was selling The Paradigm and people were really, I mean, I don't know.

To me, it was like such an invitation to step into it. But some people did not receive that invitation in a way that felt good for them. And that's okay too. I was willing to sit with that and to see it and to trust that my offer was coming from love. And if that didn't feel good for someone else, it just wasn't a fuck yes for them. Right? Like I also really challenged myself to show up and sell as a result of trusting myself, as a result of trusting that the space I was creating was safe and that I was trustworthy.

Like, I feel like I became trustworthy as fuck for myself, which then carried over into my business and the other decisions I was making. And all of that trust came from, again, being willing to see the truth, being willing to hold myself accountable and look at the ways that I was still holding on to past beliefs or I was taking on additional emotional labor. 

And I say that with the caveat of like, you know, when we are doing extra things, it's not someone else's fault that we're doing it. It's always ours, right? We are always the keeper of our own experience and I think that. This past year really, really, really, really showed me that and gave me the opportunity to lean into holding that responsibility. So if things kept happening in my life, it was not someone else's fault, right? It was my own for not clearly communicating and honoring my own boundary and upholding that boundary and following through with it. Right? So that was something that I feel like really was deeply, deeply implemented in this last year. 

Something else that I've celebrated and I'm so proud of is that I really made peace with food in my body. I think I'm going to do an entire episode on this because I know as actors, as performers, as dancers, our relationship with our bodies can be a little bit more heightened because of the physical demands of our field and because of the aesthetic that is sometimes drilled into our brains, right? 

And I think there's a balance of wanting to... there's a balance of wanting to change your body or wanting to change your health or improve your health, improve your physical well being, right? And I know for me, a big part of the growth was at least being honest with the fact that I wanted to change it. I think I might have alluded to this before, but I used to feel a lot of shame around wanting to lose weight. And I know that's not everyone's journey and that's not everyone's goal. But for me, I felt like I was kind of stuck between, I want to lose weight and I should love my body as it is.

And I think that two things can be true at once. And when I held space for loving my body while I was shifting, while I was really looking at my thoughts about food, and how it was relating to food and the reasons why I was overeating or binge eating, or, you know all of that. When I really sat with it and understood what it felt like to have an urge and what it felt like to know that I was safe and I didn't need to, like, stockpile and eat a big meal now so I'm not hungry later. Like, I feel like that all came from, like, growing up and running to dance after school and, like, just being worried that I'd be hungry, right? 

And so, I feel like this past year really gave me the opportunity to take the pressure off of losing weight but understand my relationship with food so that I can remain a neutral... Neutral? A healthy weight that feels natural for my unique body coming from the place of loving food of nourishing myself and again, just being so clear with what my beliefs are around eating and removing the labels of good food, bad food, counting calories, all that shit I do not do anymore. And knowing that I'll get to live the rest of my life having a very, very healthy relationship with my food and my body, that's life changing. 

So I'm really proud of the fact that I committed to that this year. I signed up for programs. I got coached. I really leaned into starting to give myself the opportunity to change that. And then it did, right, without being obsessive or, um, unhealthy about approaching that change.

I think this past year also invited me to stretch myself concept in being an expert at what I do in honoring my own uniqueness, in knowing that I can be different, I can be weird. I can be myself and that all of that is what makes me magically, uniquely me. I mean, I am just walking in so much authenticity and truth in the places I go, in the ways that I interact with people, the ways that I show up and also not apologizing, right? Not conforming to how I think I should be. I'm really proud of that. 

I also think that, you know, over the past year, I really started claiming my bisexuality in a way that felt authentic, in a way that felt me. You know, having been in mostly monogamous relationships with men, it almost felt like I was telling myself I wasn't queer enough to consider myself self bisexual, even though actually like, I personally don't love labels just in general, but I feel like that's the simplest way to say it is that I'm attracted to humans, male, female, humans, just humans, period. And so it felt so necessary to be willing to explore that and remove the wrongness and to just let myself be attracted to whoever I'm attracted to, right? And to share that with my family and to know that it was safe to do that felt really big. 

Um, what else? I feel like those are like the biggest things that stand out. But. I know that all of these things have created ripple effects in my friendships, in the ways that I show up for people, in my priorities, in how I run my business, in the way that I want to exist in the world, truly, like how we do one thing is how we do everything.

And so I'm really proud of the way that this last year has challenged me to love myself, to love others, even when I was going through a breakup or challenges or feeling like a failure or, you know, not hitting my goals. You know, I feel like that all was really very real for me too, right? Like continuing to show up and challenging myself to believe in possibility, even before it happened, right?

Like I feel like The Paradigm is such a fun example because when I had the idea, the goal for the first round was 10 and I signed three clients into that container. And now we're in the second round. And again, the max is 10, like because of the format of the group, it's an intimate setting. And the second round I sold six and one person ended up not moving forward with us yet. And that's totally not a problem, right? 

But I watched myself have my own back through selling, through having clients change their mind through relaunching the performer's plan, which hello, I totally forgot to include that. But it's like the ways that I have taken space and time to look at my own brain has completely shifted how I run my business, how I'm showing up for my performing career and the ways that I've continued to just recommit to what I love and what I want my life to feel like and look like.

And so, yeah, I've doubled down on believing that what I want exists knowing that I'm still a talented fucking valuable performer, even though I'm not currently in a Broadway show, right? Like really separating my worth and my value from my accolades or for my accomplishments. You know, I feel like I was thinking about that even as I was writing a post and, you know, acknowledging some of these wins, I really do want to say that it's easy to look at, and I think we should, you know, I'm such a freaking advocate for celebration. I think it's so important to acknowledge every single win, no matter how big or small. And it's like, so not even about the air quote things, the specific accomplishments, any of that, what it really to me feels like is a celebration of how I get to live my life for the rest of my life. The fact that I'm available to catch up with friends, the fact that I have the emotional space to think of someone and reach out to them or to clear my calendar anytime I want for my health, for my family, for the things that are really important to me in my life. Like that feels like the biggest fucking win and leaning into all of the newness that is yet to come. Okay. 

I feel like that is the gist of this freaking podcast episode. And I just want to send you a lot of love and thank you for coming on this journey and for being on your own journey as well. I want to acknowledge you for leaning into this and for showing up for yourself and the people in your own life too. Because the work that you do will always benefit the people around you and create a ripple effect of change in the industry, in the world, right? All of us doing our own work is such a gift to everyone. And so, with that, I will meet you back here for another episode. 

Hey, I wanna invite you to get started because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. If you're committed to loving your life as an actor, singer, or dancer, come join us inside of The Performers Plan. You get lifetime access to the program, the community, and high quality coaching for the rest of your career. Go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/theperformersplan to join us now. I'll see you inside.