In this episode, we're gonna be talking about breaking the rules. So if you consider yourself a rule follower, get ready, because we're gonna be looking at your own brain and understanding where you're implementing rules that maybe don't need to be there and don't need to be followed. You ready? Let's do it.

Hello, you are listening to Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more so keep listening to learn how you can love your life, both on and off the stage.

Hello, and welcome back to episode 42 of the Love Your Life as a Performer Podcast. Now I have really just been in so much awe of how quickly things can shift, and I wanna speak to something, because it's been on my mind a lot, and I think sometimes we daunt, daunt ourselves, is that even a saying?

We get daunted by the idea of growth and change, and it becomes this big heavy thing that we're working on and that we're healing ourselves and we're doing the deep work and. Yes. Like do we do the deep work? Always, but I think that sometimes the same way, like when we have big ass goals, if we don't break it down, it becomes like this looming thing that we don't even want to do.

I saw a post and it kind of, at first I was like, yeah, totally right. Like the thing about this, let me go back the, I saw this post speaking to the fact that like, you know, if someone is selling you a quick fix to feel better, like run because they're lying or something to that effect, right? And this person, like again, I think has good intentions in saying that. Yes, like this type of work, this personal development work is like layers. Like truly, I keep having my freaking mind blown by how deep the shit goes. Like it just keeps getting juicier and there's always like this. Like, I don't know, like have you ever seen those videos where there's like nail polish and there's like hundreds and hundreds of layers of nail polish?

Like it just like imagine each time you're like peeling one of those off or like walls of paint and you're just peeling back the layers like an onion, right? Like there really is so much depth. To this work a hundred percent. Like are you gonna scratch the surface and like dive all the way down to the depths of it all at once?

No. But do I believe that this work is cumulative and that you can feel better now? Yes. Right. Like the tools, the concepts, the ideas of one. Just one freaking perfectly. I don't, not even perfectly, but one freaking thought. One change of your perception. One shift. Like I always talk about like one millimeter to the right.

Just like one click really can blow your whole fucking world open. And yeah. Does it take, could you say yes? Does this work take time? Yes. It's not like a set it and forget it. It's not like, okay, you do the work once you spend an hour doing this thing and your whole life is changed. But like one sentence, one thought, one mindset shift really can change the whole freaking trajectory of your life.

Right. And I've just really been, it's interesting because this, this thought, like I said, I read this post and the thought really stuck with me and. I just say that to encourage people to get started, to not let the idea that it's gonna take years and years and years of fixing yourself to start seeing the reward, right?

Like I remember in the beginning of my journey just learning that thoughts were optional. Was profound that like I could choose how I wanted to feel. That concept was profound. The idea that like the universe was on my side and that I could use where I'm putting my feet. Focus to create more of what I do want rather than focusing on all the shit that's going wrong in my life.

Like that idea was profound. Do I have a deeper comprehension and a deeper understanding of that truth now that I've lived in it and rolled around in it and gone to both ends of the spectrum of like trying so hard to control my thoughts and feelings that I was like driving myself crazy and trying to be perfect about it.

Yeah, right. But like, That comes from the experience of being in the work, right? And again, like even though I was in the process of learning, just starting, just learning that one concept created the capacity for more change. And so before we like jump into the episode, I really do just want to say, that if you are thinking that you know you have to heal yourself or fix yourself or that there's some like deep wounds that you have to fix before you can start feeling better, I want to offer what if that isn't true?

Okay. What if that belief is actually slowing down your growth? What if that thought, that idea is pulling you back from just fucking taking off? Like I want to just offer, you can lighten the load. I just say this with so much love from personal experience where I used to like carry around my trauma and think I had to go into therapy and rehash it out over and over and over and over and over again, and every single session I just left feeling worse. For years, I thought that was like me processing it and that over time it would just get less painful and less painful because I kept thinking about it and being in it and like, almost like this idea of like desensitizing myself to it, instead of just realizing like, I could choose how I wanted to think and feel about that circumstance. I could choose how I want to carry that with me or if I don't wanna carry it at all. Right? And so all of that to say this work is cumulative. And you can start seeing the rewards as soon as you let yourself experience the breakthroughs. Let yourself lean in to the fun of the journey and know that things can happen quickly.

Okay. That's my little soapbox rant of the day. And what I wanted to talk about on this episode today is breaking the fucking rules. And I think I've maybe started leaning into this idea and sharing it a little bit, but I've just really been so aware of when I am like. Imposing a rule on someone, I'm imposing a rule on myself, or I'm like imposing the idea that someone else broke an unwritten rule, right?

We've all been there when you're like, oh, why is that person doing it like that? That's not how you're supposed to do it. And like it creates this very like good, bad right or wrong way of existing, and I just wanna challenge you this week to really look at what are the rules you're creating and what happens when you break them.

I don't know, maybe that feels a little rebellious, but I just want to invite in the possibility that there are no rules, okay? There are no rules. There are no rules. There are no finite, only one way of doing things ever. Okay. And I'm thinking back to like, I guess this ties into the idea too, of like there's no rules, there's no leader. You get to be your own leader. I feel like that could be a whole nother podcast. I feel like one of these days I'm gonna have to go listen to all the podcasts and listen to all the ideas that I said, oh, this could be its whole other podcast. 

But I just want you to consider that if you are waiting and avoiding or trying not to break the rules, You could just be following some fucking arbitrary rule that doesn't have to exist. Okay. I want you to think about like the rule books, like if you gave yourself, I know one coach calls it a manual or like a rule book. What are the unwritten rules that you are following? And honestly, like maybe you like some of these structured things or whatever, but like, I don't know, let me try to think of a better example, but I'm thinking about like even a rule of like you have to do something a certain amount of times before you feel qualified or you have to practice for X amount of time before you feel well rehearsed. Or you have to dress a certain way if you're going here. I don't know, like I'm literally just pulling these examples out of my ass. 
But I want you to think about like, how many rules are you putting on yourself in one day and why? Okay. This is where all the juicy magic is, is like, why are you even following them? Most of the time it's because we think it's what we're supposed to do, because we don't want people to think we're crazy if we wear a certain color. I don't know. For some reason I'm thinking about like socks. That goes back to like my Catholic school days, like you gotta wear the right color socks. You gotta have certain colored shoes like. I don't know. 

Right. I'm just saying where are you following rules or creating rules that don't have to exist? And again, if these are like, I'm not talking about like destroying a whole fucking structure of your life, if you really love it, I don't know. It could be fun. The thing is, is the magic in life happens when we start doing things that are different because doing different things coming from different energy creates new results, period. And if you are just doing the same thing in the same way, over and over again without creating new space for possibility, it's gonna be really hard to have different results or create a different life. 

And so again, when I go back to the rules, I don't know, I'm trying to think of a rule that I followed for a long time that maybe you could relate to of like, I need to take X amount of classes per week. Why? Like really, I want you to investigate your own brain, and I'm sure as I'm talking and struggling to come up with examples, you have plenty of your own ideas coming up in your own brain, right? Like maybe you're like, oh, I have to do this on this day, or I have to do a whole ritual of morning routine in order to feel like I'm being productive, right? Like that came up on a coaching call this week. The idea of like, I gotta do all these things so that I can feel productive. 

But it's like really understanding why you're creating the rules in the first place. I think there's value again in like creating structure if you're wanting to implement a new habit or again, maybe create a new skill. But I think there's a fine line in like creating a rule for yourself to me, like a rule, I don't know, maybe I've become more, um, what's the word? What's the word? When you're like less of a rule follower and you're like a little more, uh, Shoot, I should just press pause, but I'm not going to, um, a little more defiant or like, you know, like a little more like push in the envelope. I don't know, but it's like, who says that you have to have these rules? 

I think the energy of creating a rule or implementing a system from discipline, depending on your personality, just creates this like negative association with a thing you're doing. And again, discipline in itself is not good, bad, right or wrong. Sometimes it's really valuable to lean into doing something even when you don't want to. Right. But I think there's ways to access that feeling from knowing like how good it's gonna feel on the other side, or like knowing that it's serving you right? It's just interesting to think about again, what energy are you creating the rules from and why are you following them in the first place?

Honestly, I feel like that's the episode. That is the episode. Those two questions. 
What are the rules that you're following and why are you following them in the first place? 

Now, I'm not like suggesting that we go off into chaos and like break codes of moral social conduct. Right, but it's like if you're thinking you have to do X, Y, and Z in order to be a good person, why? What if those specific actions don't have to mean or equate to being a good person? Like even like an unwritten rule I used to follow all the time is like if someone texts me, I have to text them back right away. Cause I don't want them to think I'm ignoring them. Right. I wouldn't want them to think I'm being a bad friend, so I like created this rule that I have to respond immediately, even if that meant like sometimes if my nervous system was like feeling anxious or upset or frustrated, that I wouldn't take a beat because I was like, I have to just respond. I'm supposed to respond quickly. 

Or I was even like talking to someone about like eating habits and like for a long time I would feel really awkward or guilty if I finished eating before someone else. So even if I was full, because I didn't wanna seem rude, I would just like eat past the point of being full, because I thought, again, that was like the polite thing to do. I'm supposed to clean my plate. I'm supposed to keep eating or time myself or pace myself to others for their comfort. So that I don't feel like I ate too fast or that I don't feel bad or they don't feel bad, right? 

It's just like, I think gonna be so fascinating to ask yourself, how many rules am I following and do I want to follow them? Do I wanna follow them? I'll even tell you like a, a rule. I don't think it was a rule per se, but like, you know, when I was working with my business coach and I still work with her, but in the beginning it was really like her suggestion to do things a specific way and I agreed to take on that method and then I realized, I was like, wait. Who am I waiting for to tell me that I can change my mind? Right? Like I realized that in following this air, quote, rule or suggestion, it was honestly a suggestion that I made a rule, then I started doing shit within this finite constraint that didn't have to exist, right? 

And so it's like when we remove all of the good, bad, right or wrong, if there's no fucking rules, if you don't have to do anything, what emerges from your desire? What emerges? Because you want to, because of the fun of it, because of the joy of it, right? Like maybe you're following a rule that you can only do fun stuff on the weekends. Maybe you're like following an unwritten rule that you have to spend X amount of days with your family or X amount of days with your partner or X amount of days going to the gym, like, I don't know.

Again, like I'm not saying that we wanna avoid doing shit, we wanna do. But it's just like, what's the energy that it's coming from? Is it coming from have to have to, because this is what makes me worthy. Have to, because this is what makes me legit have to, because this is what makes me valuable. Have to, because this is what makes me lovable. Like, I have to do these things because that's what a good person does. Like all of these things. I just wanna invite you to question and like find out if you love your reasons, and if you do and it's serving you amazing, great.

And if not amazing, perfect, beautiful. You just get to delete the program. You just get to delete the rule. Right? Like it's just a code that you've programmed into your being. That doesn't have to be true if you don't want it to be. And honestly, the best way to do that is then just decide how do I wanna feel? How do I want to move? How do I wanna act? How do I wanna be in the world?

Right? There is no rule that says you have to make rules for yourself. There are no rules on this planet. Certain things don't have to take a certain amount of time. You don't have to do something in order to be qualified to do X, Y, and Z. You don't have to have a certain certification to decide now you can go and help someone with something. You don't have to have a certain degree in order to be a writer, right? 
Like all of these little baby rules that we make up are in our own brains. And this week I really want you to just be aware of when you're doing something because you're supposed to. I want you to ask yourself why, and I just want you to become aware of the reasons and if you love them. 

And if it's not for you, if the reason is not for you, I really want you to challenge yourself to make a different choice. Like if you're finding that all the rules you're following are to satisfy other people, make a different choice. Just try it on. Something I've been saying to my clients a lot lately is like, you're not gonna like vanish. Actually, is that what I've been saying? You're not just gonna vanish into the abyss. You're not just gonna like poof off the planet if something goes wrong or something doesn't go as planned. Or if someone gets mad at you, right? Like you're not just gonna vanish into the abyss, you're still gonna be here.

Might be a little uncomfortable and, what's the life experience you actually wanna have and are you creating space to have it? Or are all the little baby rules you're creating, keeping you exactly where you are in the exact same space and perspective and mindset that you've had for years? Like, what are the rules? Why are you following them? And what happens if you fucking break 'em? 

I feel like, oh, the word I was looking for earlier was rebellious. I don't know if I ever said it, if it ever came in my outta my mouth, but you know what? Get a little spicy. Do things just because you want to. Don't let a rule or a preconceived idea inform the experience that you are going to have because you are the creator. Okay, that's what I got for you this week. 

If you're listening in real time, I decided I'm gonna host a class on Tuesday, June 6th at 12:00 PM Eastern, and we're gonna be talking about getting out of survival mode into creation mode. And I honestly think it plays into this idea of like breaking the rules and going outside of the confines of the structure of how you've built your life, right? Like creation mode is like stepping into possibility and there's just a lot of magic that's available to you, right freaking now. Okay? So if you go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/class, C L A S S, you can sign up for the webinar and I'll see you on Tuesday and.

If you're also listening to this, maybe not in real time, the webinar is also gonna be added. To the performer's plan in the bonus area, so you'll have access to the replay. So if you're wanting to get into creation mode, join us inside of The Performers Plan. You'll have access to the replay, and you'll have lifetime access to the program, community, and coaching.

So you can literally bring your discoveries from this podcast episode to ask a coach or to one of our live calls. And start understanding what are the rules you're following and why, and we can help you release them so you're existing in a space, in a life that feels more free rather than trying to like self-impose all of these different checkpoints for yourself to make sure that you're good or doing the right thing. It just can be so much lighter from the space of like no rules, just purely desire. All right, that's what I got for you this week. I'll meet you back here for another episode. 

Hey, I wanna invite you to get, Started, because if this is blowing your mind, imagine the impact of when we actually work together. There are two ways to work with me privately, one-on-one or inside of The Paradigm with high quality community. Either way, you're gonna go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch to book your free launch call. We're gonna spend 60 minutes together with you and your unique dream and vision to co-create a plan to get you there. Let's freaking go.