Ep 29: Removing the Wrongness

In this episode, we're gonna be talking about removing the wrongness, the label of wrongness that you put on you or circumstances are things that happen that aren't the way you think they're supposed to be going. And I'm gonna give you a new way to think about it instead, you ready? Let's do it.

Hello, you are listening to Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves in their lives way more so. Keep listening to learn how you can love your life, both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 29 of The Love Your Life as a Performer Podcast. I'm really fucking excited to be back with you this week for a new episode, and my brain has just been on fire. Well, first of all, right now we are in the middle of Momentum Week, and if you're like Kelli, I have no idea what you're talking about, I want you to go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/momentum and join us for the rest of the week.

We've had one call so far. And some major shifts are already happening, right? Like the work that we do together in coaching is very nuanced and things that might feel like they have a purpose and an intention and things that you're doing, you might not even realize that those things don't a hundred percent align with who you're being. And if you actually were that version of you, you might not be approaching things the way that you are. Right?

And if that felt confusing, just know that that was one of the major breakthroughs that happened in Momentum Week, and you can get the replay and so you'll know exactly what I'm freaking talking about. But, that's one of the benefits of working with a coach is having the ability to zoom out outside of your own brain and get a different perspective to go to the identity level and align those actions, feelings, thoughts with who you're actually wanting to be in this lifetime.

I, if you haven't noticed, I am very, um, nostalgic and sort of like to be sentimental and appreciative, and something that keeps coming up for me this week is just this idea that we really are here on this planet to live this one human experience, right? Like that is not something that I take lightly. I saw someone post about people passing and things happening, and people dying young, right? And like we all have had experiences where we know of people, right? Like it's not news. But I think sometimes in those moments we are just reminded that this life is precious. And if your life does not feel miraculous yet, if you are not waking up feeling so in love with your life yet, it's not a problem.

But I want you to book a call with me. Because there are tools, there are ways to be approaching your life so that when you wake up, you actually feel connected to who you're being with intention, with purpose, with ease, with excitement, and vigor. Vigor? I dunno if I've ever said that word before, but like you can actually feel alive and excited to be alive, right? Life does not have to feel mundane. And I don't know, I feel inspired to just say that because I know that at some point, my life did not used to feel the way it does now. I used to be stressed as fuck. Trying to like earn some love and earn credibility and earn, you know, worthiness and all of these things.

And my life did feel like.... shitty. Not to say that I don't have bad days or, or that I'm not human, but I just want you to know that you can be feeling like your life is miraculous more of the time. And that is the work that I do with my clients, and that is how you get to approach your career and your life from a space of knowing that it's not like, "let's wait and see what happens." Like it is actively created by you and you have to decide to create it. No one is gonna do it for you.

I've had to have some hard come to Jesus moments with myself in the past couple of weeks because I really did go through my own period of like, struggling and feeling a little bit disconnected and unplugged, and I could feel my brain sliding back into a little bit of victim mentality, and I really had to like sit down, do an evaluation and look at, oh, okay. These are the parts of my life that are not feeling lit up and this is why I'm feeling, you know, disconnected. And this is why certain areas are focused on struggle, right?

Like even my brain as a coach with all of the tools in the world. Okay. Maybe not all of the tools in the world, but a lot of freaking tools still has human days and still can go to the place where I feel like I'm in a freaking hole and I can't get out. Right. And I was actually laughing too, because as I was going through this period that felt kind of like a struggle. I also had the awareness and the consciousness of like, oh, I've been asking for this. Because sometimes, and this you know, take it as it is, but most of the time, my life does feel miraculous and my life does feel like I'm running down clouds of rainbows and sunshine and daisies, and my life feels incredible.

And so I often think to myself like, it's hard for me to remember what it feels like to be a performer that hates my life. Because it's just been so long since I've had those emotions and those feelings and those thoughts. And so like how perfect that the Universe gave me a period of struggle and a period of being back in that vibration of hard and not working out and you know, not enough. All of those feelings just honestly were so valuable for me as a coach to remember what my clients are feeling and thinking more of the time.

And if this sounds wild, just know that like it's also part of the mindset that I've cultivated for myself, which is like everything in my life is happening for me, even when it sucks . I really am able to like genuinely understand that what I'm going through is in my best interest, even when my brain doesn't fully agree. Okay? And so that's what I wanna talk about today on the podcast. We're gonna talk about what to do when life really doesn't feel good. And the first thing that you have to do is be willing to remove the wrongness. Okay. Be willing to remove the wrongness.

And I have a few different ways I wanna talk about this, but the first thing I'll say is that when you are in a state of being, that is not where you wanna be. Just ask yourself, what if it's not a problem? And I know when you're in that space, that question feels annoying. Notice that the resistance, most of the time, especially if you do lean positive and you do lean sunshine and rainbows and daisies like me, it is like, oh my God, this is so fucking annoying. I don't wanna feel like this right now. This is like pulling me out of my vibration. This is distracting me. This is delaying me.

Right? And when we are having those thoughts, notice that the theme is like, this is wrong. This is not how I should be feeling. This is not the experience I should be having. All of it is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Okay. The same thing if you like go to an audition and you're like, oh my God, that audition did not go well and I, I blanked on the combo and I forgot the choreo, or I messed up my lyrics and like again, when your brain gets stuck in a negative thought cycle of like, that was terrible. I'm horrible, right? All of it is stemming from the wrongness about the audition. LIke it wasn't supposed to go like that. That was not what was supposed to happen. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

The same thing if you're having a conversation with a friend and you get annoyed , and you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that person is acting like that, and I can't believe they said that, and it's so disrespectful and it's so wrong. Again. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, right. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? When your brain is stuck in a negative thought cycle in negative feelings, again, they're not good, bad, right or wrong, but most of the time they persist because of the layer of wrongness that we're putting on it, right?

And our brains love to focus on it. It feels good. To point out what is wrong about the circumstance. It feels good to remind yourself like, this is not who I am and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? But when we're in the state of wrongness, you cannot get to a better feeling thought. When you're perceiving a state of wrongness, it's really freaking hard to get to a better feeling thought.

Cuz then that's when you feel like you have to convince yourself. You have to, you know, pick better thoughts and like talk yourself out of it versus just first pausing and removing the wrongness, right? It's like, Okay, this is what happened. I forgot the combo. This is what happened. I had a disagreement. This is what happened. My day did not go as planned, right? 

But I wanna be clear that what I'm saying is not to just put a rosy spin on things, because again, I think that comes from the avoidance of wrongness. It's like we're putting the label of wrong and then we're avoiding the wrong. We don't wanna see it, we don't wanna look at it, we don't wanna engage with it. So we're just like, let me just go over here instead. And I know I, I often teach it's okay to shift your focus and, sometimes you have to just be curious and know yourself and be aware of, what am I avoiding? Is this genuinely me giving myself an opportunity to change my energy and shift my focus?

Or am I in avoidance, right? Am I in avoidance of wrongness? Am I still holding this label of wrongness even though I'm switching my focus? Right? So it's just a little bit nuanced, and I wanna make sure you're hearing what I'm saying. Okay. When we are in the perception of wrongness, we have to be willing to slow down first. Slow down, and remove the wrongness.

Because the thing is, when we zoom out, sometimes the things that we perceive as wrong happened in perfect fucking timing. And honestly, I'm gonna say always. We get exactly what we need in every moment and sometimes the things that we think are like amazing and so fun and so celebratory, sometimes also, like we don't know how that plays out in the bigger picture, right?

That might be setting us up for a different lesson or a different opportunity for growth or a different timeline or a different circumstance, right? Like, we just can't know from our own human perspective what is good, bad, right or wrong. So the best way to engage with it is to just trust that whatever is happening in this moment is supposed to be happening.

Right. Like, I know that might sound trippy, but even when you have the most annoying experience with a friend or with a waiter at a restaurant, or X, Y, and Z, right? Like those things are coming into our experience because of our vibration, as a result of our vibration, and you can always trust that those are happening in perfect timing.

Right? Like I wanna just give you an example. Like I'm thinking about, I might've even shared this before, but there was one time I totally bombed an audition, right? And like I remember going into sing and for some reason it was like my brain had a malfunction. Like I literally could not think. It was like I couldn't hear pitch, I couldn't sing the song, and like the pianist was literally playing the melody with me.
And it was like, I literally had no idea what pitch was anymore. And I remember walking out of that audition and being like, oh my God, like that was really bad. Like, that's never happened to me before. Like I literally like I had an out of body experience and it was like as if I was tone deaf, right? Like literally. I'm not judging myself here.
I'm just like being fully transparent in this experience.

But then when I came out of the audition, I saw my now voice teacher, who is a mutual friend of one of my good friends. And I saw him, I believe it was at Pearl or Ripley, one of the two. And I was like, OMGG this is a sign. I need a schedule a voice lesson right now. Right. That experience made it so clear that I was like, I cannot have that experience again. I'm gonna go schedule this voice lesson. And it just so happened that then I was like, I don't remember. It must have been around the time that I was auditioning for Anastasia, but I just remember being like, oh, no, no, no.
I am going to do everything in my control, everything that I could possibly be responsible for to set myself up for success and because of that experience that seemed air quote, terrible, right? It literally gave me the momentum and the inspiration and the clarity to take that next step that resulted in me booking my second Broadway show. Because then I was like, oh no, no. I am gonna be so freaking prepared when I go in for the next one. Like that is not happening again. Right.

And so again, we can't always know what is gonna be good, bad, right or wrong in the moment. And when we are viewing something as wrong, when we are viewing and labeling and putting that blanket of wrongness over the experience we're having, really all we're doing is creating more resistance.

Now. I was at an audition today and it was so interesting because someone that I ran into was just casually talking about how like this year they're inviting in more patience to their performing career. And again, this isn't good, bad, right or wrong, if it's serving them great, but like it was so fascinating because patience is not an emotion that I associate with my performing career or my life. And I was thinking about like what is the energy of patience?

And so I actually Googled it and I was looking up the definition of patience. And it's so fascinating because, let me just read it to you. "The capacity to accept or tolerate, delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset." Just let that sink in for a second. I find this so fascinating because in the perception of, I'm mean, I have patience about my performing career, I want you to hear that part of the definition was like, "accept or tolerate, delay, trouble, or suffering." Right. And I feel like. Isn't it interesting that when you're having patience or quote, patience about your performing career, really there's already a layer of wrongness in the experience that you're having.

Okay, I just want you to consider, try it on. Are you telling yourself to be more patient about your performing career and why? Are you trying to accept? And this is where it's like, I think there's a little bit of nuance to this because like I think you can accept the timeline of your career. You can accept that things are happening in perfect timing, but that's very different from tolerating delay, trouble, or suffering. Right? Isn't that so freaking fascinating? I was just like, oh....

So are you currently perceiving wrongness in your career or your life? What would happen if you remove the wrongness? What if your career is literally, what if you could literally trust that the universe is lining shit up in the perfect timing for your unique human experience, and that you can trust that things are coming in perfect timing and that things are happening and you can move through your career instead of with patience, with excitement, with gratitude, with appreciation, with knowing, with certainty.

I want you to imagine how different your career will feel when you're not looking at how many months have gone by since your last contract and making that wrong, right? When you're not seeing everyone else booking shit and because you're not, not making that wrong, right? Like other people are, I don't know, like... if other people are creating and producing and like having all of this magic momentum and you are suddenly in this experience of like, I don't have it, and that's wrong. Then it's like, oh, okay.

That momentum, that ease, that flow, my opportunities are coming. And if it's available for them, it's available for me too. But we're just so much more willing to step into the possibility when the wrongness isn't there. Right. If the wrongness is there, then that's what kind of triggers the shame, the criticism, the judgment, the blame, all of that other shit. That's like, again, just like more of The Second Layer. I think I've talked about the second layer on the podcast.

There's the, the first layer of experience that you're having, right? Whatever human experience you're having in this moment, and then The Second Layer typically judgment or perceptions about the experience you're having. I call that The Second Layer and if I haven't done our podcast on it yet, I will do a full one on it to talk about that concept.

But yeah, like just think about how much more emotional space and freedom, and again, we're not just talking yourself out of having the experience you're having, but like when you're genuinely removing that Second Layer of wrongness. , there's just more capacity to actually just have the experience you're having, whether it's disappointment, frustration, um, you know, fear, fear about money, anxiety, any of those human emotions.

Then you can just feel those through and be with them and like not make them a problem. You can actually learn to sit with your emotions, to feel your feelings and let them pass without resisting them, without being afraid of the tangible sensations in your body. Like that's a skill, that's a tool, and it's something that I do with my clients.
And so even in the moments where you're like, oh, fuck, this does not feel good. It's just okay then to sit there and be with that emotion again, without making it wrong and without needing to like justify or prove or deny or resist. Anything that we resist persists. And so if you've been finding yourself in a sort of, maybe it's a lower vibration, a lower mood, disappointment, a little bit of like stuckness. Just check in and see am I putting on an extra layer of wrongness about where I am?

What happens if you just lean into like, this is how I feel today and this isn't how I'm gonna feel forever? This experience actually isn't wrong, and the more I'm willing to feel my negative emotions, the sooner I can get into a better feeling space, the sooner I can let this emotion pass through my body and even create the possibility of feeling negative emotions and still knowing that everything I desire is on its way. Right. It's just like creating a different, that's also like a whole other podcast, but creating a new relationship with your emotions. But the first step really is removing the wrongness.

Removing the wrongness frees up the space to have the experience you're having and tap into what emerges from there. When you're in the wrongness, it also suppresses like, what's the next step? Because you're like so frantically trying to like avoid the wrongness. That's when we're like, oh shit. Let me go try a bunch of action. Maybe I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that. I'll try to like get the feeling from outside of me rather than creating the feeling from the inside out. Right. That's when we're like, let me find, you know, let me go shopping so I'll feel better and let me go eat something so I can manage my emotions and let me go, you know, have a drink to take the edge off.
Right? And again, it's like not good, bad, right or wrong, but like, then we're really relying on things outside of us to change our experience rather than knowing you just have the power to change your experience from within. Right.

Okay. So just to recap, If you are in a state that that does not feel good, if you are frustrated at someone, if you're frustrated at yourself, if you are feeling afraid and fear and any other negative emotion, first, pause and remove the wrongness. Be willing to be where you are, knowing that it's exactly.... like this is not just like some bullshit shit I'm saying. It's not just like a nice quote or a nice idea. Like really knowing that you're exactly where you're supposed to be and you get to create what comes next. You get to decide, and you know create, but first you have to remove the wrongness. You just have to, there's no way around it. And the sooner you're willing to release the wrongness, the sooner you can allow your feelings. You can process. You can just create the space for the next better feeling thought.

You do not need patience for your career when you are not believing that your career is happening in a wrong cadence or rhythm or timing. And when you know and believe and trust that everything is working out for you. And honestly, it's just like such a different life experience day to day. This is one of the ways you can move towards having a life that feels fucking miraculous, is when you start releasing and removing the wrongness. The wrongness about you, the wrongness about your circumstances, the wrongness about, you know, things that are happening. The wrongness about timing. And when you really just consider that it's all happening exactly as planned and exactly as it's unfolding.

That's what I got for you this week.

So two last reminders. If you have not signed up and you haven't yet registered for Momentum Week, go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/momentum to join us February 20th to the 25th of 2023.

And if you're just like, oh, shit, I didn't realize how much wrongness I'm living my life with, and you're like, you know what, now is the time to just really work through this and create a different energetic life experience and I want my life to feel fucking miraculous more of the time. Book a launch call.

We can get to work today to have your life feeling so fucking good. It does not have to wait. And the sooner you feel better, the sooner you're gonna be an energetic match to receive the things you want. It's just how the universe works. So go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch to book a call today, and I will meet you back here for another episode. Bye.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and if you did, make sure to share it with a friend who is also an actor, singer, or dancer. You can also help spread the word by leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts in order to help people find this resource.
You can find me on Instagram at @kelliyoungmanwellness and if you're interested in coaching, make sure to head to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/waitlist to join my list now.See you soon.