Ep 20: Making Decisions in 4 Simple Steps

In this episode we're talking about decision making, and I'm gonna give you a simple four step process to love any decision you make. I'm also gonna share exactly what you need to be aware of so that when it comes up, you can know and trust that nothing has gone wrong. Okay. You ready? Let's do this.

Hello, you are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more so keep listening to learn how you can love your life, both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 20 of the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. Today we are gonna be talking about decision making, and I'm super excited because I feel like I have like literally the perfect story to demonstrate and highlight all of the phases of making a decision.

The thing is making decisions actually gets to be super simple, and it only requires a few things. Most of the time, our brains love to make it complicated. We love to feel the weight and the pressure, and I think we condition ourselves to really weigh it out. And I think that a lot of times we tell ourselves that the longer we take to make a decision, the more thoughtful we're being, the more responsible we're being. I feel like we associate taking a long time to make decisions with like being air quote "good", and like not being too rash or not being too hasty. And again, I don't think it's like good, bad, right or wrong, but if that's how you feel, I'm super excited for you to listen to this episode because again, I just don't know that it's always true.

And what if the quicker you can make decisions, the more responsible you are being. Yeah. What... we are gonna consider today, what if making decisions quickly is a more responsible way to make decisions? Stick with me, but here's the thing. Just notice in your own brain what's coming up for you when I'm saying this.

Do you correlate like important decisions take more time, versus making decisions quickly is  less responsible. Again, I don't think it's good, bad, right or wrong, but I do think that this is just like one of those thoughts that floats around in the consciousness of human brains, and we've kind of all adopted it without question.

And so the reason why I think that making decisions quickly can be more responsible is because it's a better use of your time and energy. I want you to just think about what happens

you have an air quote, "very important decision" to make, and actually because the doors to The Paradigm are open now, let's use that example, okay?

You're deciding about whether or not to join us in The Paradigm, to submit an application, and to get started in January. Right? What happens in your brain when you are considering it. And then what actions do you take while you are considering it? Okay. And here's what most people do, right? They'll poll the audience, ask a friend, like get a million different opinions, weigh the pros and cons, and like the pros and cons list gets really long. So then you're just like waffling back and forth, right?

And it's weighing on you because it's an open loop in your brain. Right. And even if you're not consciously thinking about it right here, right now, it's in the back of your mind like, okay, what do I think? Am I gonna do it? Am I gonna do it? Maybe I should do it. Maybe now. Uh, I don't know. Maybe now it's not the right time. Oh, there's a post about The Paradigm again. Maybe I do wanna do it. I don't know. Okay. Let me think about it. Okay. Let me ask someone else again and let me use their opinion to validate or to discredit my own thoughts and opinion.

Okay, and here's the thing. What's so fun is that actually all of this is not a problem, and it can be part of the decision making process. But if you're using it all of the time and you're drawing out making a decision, you know what often happens is that you avoid making the decision and you spend so much extra mental energy carrying around the open loop of not deciding.

And so when you're making a decision, there's really only two options. It's a yes or a no. It's like I'm gonna do it or I'm not. Regardless of whether it's like, am I gonna order this at lunch or not? Do I want this or that? And I wanna make a very quick distinction. Okay. In this episode, we're not talking and looking at the concept of black and white thinking, right? Of like limited possibility or choices, right? We're just literally looking at when you are making a singular decision about, is this a fuck yes for me or is it a no? Right. It's literally just honoring that truth, step by step, by step by step.

So this episode is not about telling yourself there are only two possibilities when you're considering a scenario or an outcome, et cetera. We are looking at the granular part of making decisions and the simplicity of just deciding if it's a yes or a no for you. And again, that can literally be like, am I gonna get a sandwich for lunch today? Yes or no? Do I want a taco instead? Yes or no? Do I want to go and get a salad? Yes or no? Right? It's like the simplicity of making those decisions, without deciding that you only ever have one or two choices, right?

Two slightly different things. And today we are focused on decision making. Okay, so before I give you the story that I just think is like such a great example of decision making and like all the shit that can come up when you're deciding about something. I wanna just offer that decision making can be super simple. It starts with acknowledging that there's a decision to be made, you make the decision, you honor the decision, and then you love the decision. I'm gonna say that again. You acknowledge that there's a decision to be made. You make the decision. You honor the decision. And you love the decision.

And if that's blowing your mind, I just want you to consider, what would need to be in place for that to be your decision making process? All that's required throughout that decision making process is self trust and self love. The first thing I wanna say is that there's no right, wrong, good or bad decision ever and even if there was, even if you could look back and say, oopsy, I wish I hadn't made that decision quite that way... as long as you were willing to trust yourself, love yourself, and decide that you made the decision that was best for you at that time without undermining your past self or your future self, whatever guidance you were seeking at that moment, you could trust that things were still working out for you.

And when you have that layer of self trust, self love, and like really having your own back throughout anything, then you can know that you're exactly where you're supposed to be all of the time. No matter what, okay? Acknowledge there's a decision. Make the decision. Honor the decision. And love the decision. I want you to consider that that gets to be your new decision making process, okay? And the reason why this is so responsible is because you're not outsourcing any of it. Right, and I don't think it's good, bad, right or wrong, again, to like poll the audience, and we're gonna talk about this in my example. But at the end of the day, if you are trusting yourself as the final authority, it's gonna save you so much extra mental time, stress, of like straddling am I all in on this or am I not.

Going back to the lunch decisions, it's like, okay, I decided to get a sandwich for lunch. And then you're eating the sandwich and you're like fuck... I really wish I got the tacos. This was terrible. Right? But like in the moment you're eating the sandwich, why wouldn't you just love eating the sandwich.

Okay, so let me tell you this story of dying my hair blonde. Okay. If you've been following along, I recently dyed my hair blonde. Yes. And it's kind of hysterical that a few episodes ago I was talking about purple shampoo and like what a freaking foreshadowing of what was to come, because here is my blonde hair. Okay. And it all started when a friend mentioned like, Ooh, Kelli, I keep seeing your headphones on your Instagram stories and it kind of looks like you have blonde hair. And I was like O M G G. That's so fun. Like I've actually considered going blonde before, but I've never taken the time to like really think about what would happen if I went blonde.

And so if we're applying the decision making process, right, this is the moment when there's like, oh my gosh, there's a decision to be made. And the thing is right, it was something I had considered before, but I had never actually thought of it as a conscious decision to make. And so this is the part where typically people ask for friends advice, families input, like crowdsource. This is when people would start gathering information and opinions. Okay?

And so, knowing what I know about decisions, I was like, all right, I'm gonna just play around with what do I think about dying my hair blonde? Is it a fuck yes or is it a no? Is it a maybe, maybe later? Still a no for now, right? It's just considering, how do I feel about it? And honestly, I think the most important decision always, especially if you are gonna crowdsource or ask other people their opinions, just be clear on what your decision is first. Okay? Know how you feel about it and if you wanna take in the information, great, you can consider it. But you know what your answer is first. Okay.

So I started playing around and just looking at different shades of blonde and I made some like photoshopped images that were like horrible and so like hysterical when I was just like considering, okay, what would I look like with blonde hair? And so I remember sending it to a few friends and even my sister and just asking like, I'm considering dye my hair blonde. Like, what do you think? And okay, I love my sister, but I'm gonna call her out... right away she was like, lol, you're gonna regret it immediately. It's gonna be the worst decision you ever make. And I was like, oh, okay. And I thought about it for a second and I was just like, no, I really don't think I would regret it at all. I think I would really like it.

And so here is where if you are going to do this extra step, it's not a problem if someone doesn't agree with you. I think that a lot of times when people disagree with our decisions, we use that against ourselves and we use it as a sign that we're not doing the air quote "right" thing. We're not doing the sensible thing. Or we're missing something that we haven't considered. And that could be true, and I want you to just be aware that it's different to consider what someone's saying and to use it as a way to gauge what you are feeling versus using someone's disagreement as a sign that you are wrong.

Okay? And I want you to consider if my sister had said that, OMGG. You're gonna regret this immediately. It's gonna be a horrible decision... if I had used her comment to let me believe that I was making a bad choice and the fact that she didn't agree with dying my hair blonde, I could have just been like, oh, shoot. You know what? She's right. I'm so glad she said that. She's right. Instead of just using her comment again to gauge how I felt. Because if you remember what I was saying before, my decision was already that I was a yes. I was like very strongly feeling like I wanted to be a yes.

So in actuality, my sister saying that is sometimes what we call a naysayer, right? It's the person who's like, don't do that thing. And it's a beautiful thing when someone says that because it gives us an opportunity to double down on our belief. And that's exactly what I did when she said that. I was like, oh wait, no, actually, I definitely won't regret this. I'm feeling like really strongly that I wanna do it, and even though she thinks I'm gonna regret it, I don't think I will. And that was so freaking helpful because then I got clearer on my yes and my reasons for my decision, right?

So it's not good, bad, right or wrong to poll the audience or poll your friends, but you wanna make sure that you're doing it with intention to get to a clearer decision that feels right for you. Not what does everyone else think I should do and that's going to be the main deciding factor of how I live my life. Okay?

And so, yeah, I was like, great. I'm dye my hair blonde. I'm doing it. Let's go. Okay. And so I decided it was a fuck yes. And this is where I let it be super simple because the decision has been made that I was gonna dye my hair blonde. The next step was like finding the person to do it. Okay? And because I have Asian hair and my hair is very dark, like almost black, I was like, you know, I've never gone to an Asian hair salon before, but my inner being was telling me like, I should go to someone who understands my hair type. I should find an Asian salon.

This is where I brought in another concept of letting it be super simple, right? I could have polled the audience, asked a friend, like again, done the same exact thing that most people wanna do in order to find the best hair salon. Instead, I just trusted that I was going to find the perfect answer. So you know what I literally did? I sat down. And I even think I Googled like Asian hair Salon NYC... if I'm being completely honest, I'm pretty sure I just typed into Google Asian Hair Salon NYC and before I did this, I said, Hey universe, I wanna find the perfect person. I know I'm gonna find them.

And so that's what I did. And this hair salon came up that's on 30th Street. And I was like, Ooh, okay. And it just so happened that the salon owner was Korean and I was like, you know what? I feel like this is a sign. So I booked a consultation. Great. I go to the consultation, and again, there was a little bit of uncertainty and excitement, and I was like all in. I was like, yeah, let's do it. Okay, let's do it.

And even though the stylist was like, Very experienced, knew what I wanted, she still was like very much warning me that this was gonna be a lot of damage. She was like, it's gonna be a lot of damage to your hair. Are you ready for that? Which again, I think is like totally her job. But these were all moments that I could have been like, you know what? Nevermind I'm out. Oh gosh. It's gonna be a lot of damage on my hair. I'm, oh, I'm out. You know? But the truth was, is that I was so committed to my decision that I freaking just decided, I was like, whatever it takes. I'm a little nervous, but I'm all in. I wanna do it. Let's do it.

She couldn't get me in that weekend. I set an appointment for like the following week and I was so excited. I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm gonna have blonde hair. And I just was like, thinking about it. I was so excited. Yayayayayyay! Okay. The day of the appointment, I go to the salon and the lady who did my hair, she's like one of the partners and owner of the salon. English is her second language. So we were having a little bit of a miscommunication because at the consult I was just like, yep, yep. Damage. Yep. Anything you say all in, I'm gonna do it. And so the day of the appointment she was like, okay, just confirming you want all over bleach and then you want this and that, and I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I don't want this look, I want this look. Right. Like I had two different pictures. I kind of showed her as a reference point. I was like, no, I want this, whatever is in picture number two. I want that. And in hindsight, I really wasn't understanding that. She was telling me there's two ways to achieve this look, right? We can do all of over bleach and do highlights and lowlights, or we can do balayage. Both will give you a similar look, but there's two different processes and routes to go about creating this hair transformation. And like truly, it went over my head. I was so confused. I did not understand.

The confusion was creating a lot of tension and frustration on both sides. We were like, wait a second. What is happening? I thought we were on the same page. What needs to happen in order to get this hair? And there was a moment in my body where I could feel that I felt unsafe, right? Like I felt frustrated. I felt misunderstood. I felt confused, unseen, like it really was a little bit panicky almost, because I was like, wait, maybe this is a sign. Maybe this is a sign that this is not the right person to do this, and like O M G G, I should run and go find another salon. I didn't do enough research, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so this is when it comes back to honoring the decision and loving the decision.

Because the truth is, I had already decided that she was the perfect person to do my hair right. I had already decided, this is my person. I trust her. I know that she's gonna gimme the results I want, and I love this decision. And so in that moment when I was questioning myself, I did have the thought, like I could totally get up and leave right now and not get what I came for. And instead because of like these other concepts and tools that I have in my brain, I was like, wait a second, Kelli ...you're feeling a little frustrated. You're feeling a little misunderstood. Let's slow it down. Let's get on the same page. Let's get what you came for, which is to do your hair and get it done today. Right. And like what would be required to come back to loving the decision that I had already made.

Okay. I want you to consider what would be different if you weren't second guessing and doubting decisions when conflict comes up or when shit hits the fan, because that's another really important thing to know about decision making. Especially when you're about to make a big change. Right? Shit will hit the fan. This is like literally laws of the universe. The laws of the universe will question you and give you an opportunity to back down. To change your mind, to turn around and go back to the safety of the shores, right? It's like you're about to leap and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That is just what happens. And I want you to know this so that you're prepared for it, okay? When you're about to make a new and air quote "scary" decision, shit will hit the fan and nothing's gone wrong. That's totally part of the process. But again, it gives you the opportunity to honor your decision and come back to loving it. And it's so funny because like of course my life coach brain is like, okay, you can feel the frustration. It's not a problem. It can be here. Right? And I'm coaching myself through this moment.

And I'm just like, okay, what is it that you really want? I really want my hair to be blonde today. I really want to trust this person today. And so anyone witnessing this moment from the outside probably was dying, but I'm literally sitting here telling Megan, the girl who did my hair, I'm like, Megan. I'm just sensing that the energy is not clean, that there's a little bit of confusion and I want to get on the same page. I want to trust you and I want to do this with you today. Like I kept saying that out loud to her for myself, to myself, that I wanted to trust her.

I was like, I know you can do this. I want to trust you, and whatever it takes to get this look, that's what I want. And it literally took me till the end of the appointment to understand what I clarified before of like there was just two different processes we could have taken to get to the same look and I just told her, I want you to be the expert. I want to trust you. And, in hindsight, this is a sub lesson for another day. There was also a lot of responsibility that I was giving away to her. I was like, girl, you are the expert. You are the hair stylist. I wanna trust your decision. Which like, yes, we can trust the experts around us and there was just things that I didn't know, that I didn't know. I didn't know that those two things were separate options that could get to the same look, and I actually hadn't done my due diligence to really understand that ahead of time. Right. So there were ways that I could have taken more responsibility for the decision instead of putting it on her and saying, I want you to decide how you should do my hair, because it's all on you.

Right. I think that's like, again, another lesson for another day. But again, there was just this opportunity where I got to double down on my belief and that's what I did. And then she did my freaking hair and I loved it. And actually that's a lie in the moment. I had a little bit of shock. I had a little bit of shock. I was like, OMGG. Okay. And I was looking at it and I was like, uh, I was straddling like, this isn't quite what I thought I was getting. It's not quite what I wanted and I love it. And so I sold myself on the decision of like, wait, but this is why I decided. I went with Balayage cuz it was gonna be slightly less damaging on my hair and I love that decision. I love that I did it this way, with this person, to make this transformation in this step, right? And so then I just went back to again, honoring the decision and loving the decision.

And so I know you think that that's where the story ends, but guess what? It's not. The next couple of days, it was great. My hair looked fantastic, and then I washed my hair and it was scary. Okay? I've never bleached my hair like this before and I washed my hair... and it instantly felt like a knotted tangled mess. My hair was dry. It felt knotted up. I was like panicking. I was like, oh my God. I turned myself into a straw head and I knew the damage was gonna come and I should have known... right, in all the moments where your brain wants to be an asshole and tell you, you made the wrong choice.

But again, knowing what I know, I was like, wait a second. I can come back to loving my decision. People dye their hair and bleach their hair all of the time. I just have to learn how to navigate having blonde hair, right? And so I was like, I can figure this out, but only because I was still loving and trusting and honoring my decision instead of straddling it and saying, Fuck, I shouldn't have done this, right?

I was like, Nope, I made this decision. I love it and I'm gonna figure it out. So I got some leave in conditioner for that day. I went and I, again, all these are kind of micro decisions, but then I went and then I got my Olaplex hair oil, and I made sure I got some heat protectant and I got all the different things and hair treatments to make my hair feel amazing. And then guess what? I figured it out. Right. And so if we zoom out, it's just remembering that a new decision is inherently gonna feel uncomfortable.

Okay? It just is. Because there's things that are gonna be new on the other side, just like learning how to care for bleached hair and like learning how to treat it without, like feeling like I regret my choice and it was like the worst decision of my life. I want you to see that like even though I didn't make that choice that it was an option. Instead of going all in on loving my decision and like figuring out and working through the discomfort, I could have said like, oh my God. My hair is ruined for the rest of my life. I am an idiot. I can't believe I did that. And I could've like, spun around and never like, took the steps to take care of my hair, and I could've like been like, oh my gosh, and like, reaffirmed a bad decision instead of reaffirming my great decision, reaffirming my trust in myself, and reaffirming that I love the decision I made to dye my hair blonde.

And when you come back to the simplicity of acknowledging that there's a decision to be made, making the decision, honoring the decision, and loving the decision, anything that comes up in between gets to just be opportunities to double down on your decision, right? Or to gain clarity on what you want your decision to be. Like polling our friends, hearing the naysayers, and the people who don't agree with us, doesn't mean that we are wrong. It could be an opportunity to gain clarity about how you feel, right? Shit hitting the fan right before you're finally gonna follow through and honor the decision again. Totally part of the process.

And when you're willing to acknowledge there's a decision, make the decision, honor the decision, and love the decision. You just get to move through the decision making process with so much more ease and flow and certainty, and you also get to trust that no matter what, you have your own back and that a hundred percent you made the best decision for you in that moment.

It really does come back to, are you honoring What is a fuck yes for you? Or are you letting other people dictate how you're gonna think, feel, and act? Right? Are you making a decision and then straddling loving it after the fact and like having one foot in the decision, one foot out. You just wanna be all in no matter what your decision is.

Right? I wanted a Turkey sandwich today. I got a Turkey sandwich, and I freaking love that I did that. Or are you just like secretly wishing you had tacos the whole time, and then when it really comes down to it, if you wanted tacos and that was your fuck yes from the beginning, then you can start getting curious about, okay, well why didn't I listen to myself and give myself what I wanted? Right? Okay. I hope you enjoyed this story and this example of decision making, because truly as it was happening, I was like, OMGG, this is gonna make the best freaking podcast episode, because it really did capture every moment in between where shit was like hitting the fan and giving me the opportunity to really come back to honoring and loving my decision.

And then I just freaking followed through and I did the damn thing. And now I just love my hair. Because I truly did go all in on loving my decision from the beginning. And no matter what, I was gonna have my own back, even when I got a little scared after making a new choice, right? Again, totally part of the process that after you make the decision, there's gonna be things that feel uncomfortable. Nothing has gone wrong, okay?

And so if you're thinking about this and how this applies to you and how it applies to joining The Paradigm, I want you to consider that if you've never invested $5,000 in yourself, that it's gonna feel a little wild and uncomfortable. What if nothing's gone wrong and you don't have to use other people's thoughts against you when your decision is like, I'm a fuck yes, I'm all in. This also gets to be an opportunity for you to really listen to yourself and to use yourself as the final authority by trusting what is a fuck yes for you, right? You get to acknowledge that there's a decision to be made. You can make the decision. You can honor the decision to actually apply and fill out your application to join us. And then you can love that decision all the way through.

When you get accepted, when you make your payment, and when you come to our first call and then start doing the work. It's all gonna feel new and it's all gonna feel a little uncomfortable until you start learning and implementing all the new tools to support your new way of being in the arts. Totally part of the process. Okay, so now that you're not straddling your decision make sure to submit your application today. There are only 10 spots and I wanna make sure that if you wanna be in the room, you get to be in the room. I am walking 10 performers into more money, more happiness, more jobs, and just general satisfaction in everything that you're freaking creating in your life, okay? It is a total paradigm shift and a new way of experiencing the performing arts.

So if you know you have big shit you're ready to create in the New Year, go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/apply to fill out your application today. You wanna make sure you get a spot in this room so that you don't have to worry and wait another six months to start living in the transformation that's available to you. All right, I will meet you back here for another episode.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and if you did, make sure to share it with a friend who is also an actor, singer, or dancer. You can also help spread the word by leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts in order to help people find this resource.

Lastly, you can find me on Instagram @kelliyoungmanwellness, and if you're interested in coaching, make sure to head to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/waitlist to join my list now. See you soon.