Ep 15: Choose to Believe They LOVE You

In this episode, I'm gonna share my biggest hack for creating new possibilities with choreographers, casting directors, literally any person that you're engaging with so that you can have a better experience and be more authentically You. You're ready. Let's go.

Hello, you are listening to the Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman and I am The Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more so keep listening to learn how you can love your life, both on and off the stage. Hello and welcome back to episode 15 of the Love Your Life as a Performer Podcast.

So before we jump into today's episode, I have to just share this revelation that I've had, and I think it's fun analogy too. So for those of you who dye your hair, right, like I can't remember when it was like maybe even like right before the pandemic, I got balayage for the first time. It's basically like highlights in your hair, right? But before that, I had never dye my hair before, so I'm still kind of like new to the idea of dying your hair.

And I say new, but like newish... but something that I've talked with my hair person about is like, Okay, what do I do in between? Because sometimes my hair starts getting like orangey or brassy or all of the whatever, right? And so she had mentioned to me, Like, Oh, you could use some purple shampoo or like, you can come back and get a toner and like basically you can try to like maintain it and prolong it in between the times you come back to get a fresh set of balayage.

I was like, okay, cool. She had told me about purple shampoo a while ago, right? Like maybe it's been like two years of like balayaging my hair, getting highlights. And I had never actually gotten the purple shampoo. Even though she's told me about it, even though she told me it would work, even though I knew that it would give me the desired result. I didn't freaking get the purple shampoo.

Okay. So guess what? This week I got the freaking purple shampoo. And I had been doing a lot of research online of like, Okay, am I gonna get the purple shampoo or the blue shampoo? Like I was going back and forth because they say purple shampoo is more for blonde and blue shampoo is more for brunettes, basically because of the color wheel.

Long story short, I freaking washed my hair with purple shampoo, and you know what? It looks freaking amazing. It toned my freaking hair. Instead of it starting to look a little yellow, it's like back to like this beautiful, fresh, vibrant color. And here's the thing, I could totally still try the blue shampoo. I can totally still get a toner. Right?

And I guess the analogy that I'm trying to get at here, in this long, roundabout way, is that we don't always take the time to act on things when we have the idea. Sometimes we do go into like "research mode" or we go into like "thinking about it mode". We go into like "deciding about it mode".

But all of this time I could have been having hair that looked amazing. Like I am the literal, annoying person that's like walking by the mirror and I'm like, Oh my God, I look so good. My hair looks so good. I'm like, Steve, doesn't my hair look so good? It's this purple shampoo. And the analogy here is like, I talk about this often, that like coaching is the literal salt on a perfectly ripe avocado. And it's so freaking good, right? It like just enhances everything. And it doesn't mean that the avocado on its own isn't good. It's still freaking good and ripe, but it's like that little extra. The same thing as this freaking purple shampoo. My color looked great. It looked fine. People still thought it looked great. I still thought it looked great, but then I put this freaking purple shampoo on and it takes it to a whole nother level.

And so I want you to imagine that if you've been thinking about coaching and you've been on the fence, that what's on the other side gets to be your results. Whether that means having a life that just feels fun and like 10%, 50% less stressful. Right where you're not staring at the ceiling thinking like, Oh my God, what am I gonna do tomorrow? Right where you're not stressed. Or maybe it looks like booking your freaking dream role, because you finally are giving yourself permission to believe it's possible. Maybe it's like allowing yourself to have more fun instead of waiting and thinking you can only have fun once you've earned it and once you're in a more"secure space" right?

Like I just think it's so human and so natural for us to go into the space of deciding about things. But the magic happens once you actually decide and take action. Once you actually follow through and do the thing, right? So if you've been waiting to take action on coaching , just book a call. Come to the launch call. It is free, and we will talk about what you're wanting to create and how coaching can be that like chef's kiss to your freaking life.

It's fun. It's super fun and you have no idea how much this is gonna blow your mind, and you're gonna be the freaking person walking by the mirror, the hypothetical mirror, saying like, Oh my God, I'm so amazing. Can you believe my life is this freaking good? That's gonna be you. So go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch and book your launch call.

Okay, now that you've sat through my rant about purple shampoo. We're gonna get into today's episode and I am going to be giving you one of my best kept secrets, okay?

I love this concept, this tool, and it's going to make your life so much easier. I want you to think about what happens to you when you're in a new environment, whether it's class, whether it's a workshop, whether it's like literally on set or on a job. And I want you to think about the thoughts that you think about the people in charge, air quote in charge, right?

The people who are either directing or teaching the person who is. Facilitating the experience you're in. Okay. And what I'm gonna say is that oftentimes, Myself included previously, right? Our brains wanna go to the space of thinking about that person. Do they like me? Are they like, are they happy with what I'm doing? Am I doing it right? Are they pleased? Um, like, are we gonna work together again? Am I making a good impression? Like we go into our heads about all of these thoughts. What I find is that it pulls you out of being in the experience, right being, and having access to your fullest self. So I'm gonna tell you my number one hack for this, right?

Regardless of whether it's casting directors or a teacher, or a freaking human that I meet on the street, a friend, I don't know, literally anyone, okay? I just decide that they love me. Literally. Did you know that you can just decide to believe that people love you? And I'm gonna give you a freaking real life example of this that's happened in my life.

And I also wanna just say this as a preface, okay? Because I remember telling someone about this, one of my friends, and they were like, Yeah, but, I don't need that person to love me and like, yeah, a hundred percent. You don't need anyone to love you, and this isn't about validating your self worth. Okay?

This is a mindset tool to give you access to being your most authentic self. Because I want you to think about how do you feel when you're around someone that you know freaking loves you? Right when you already believe like, they love me, they're on my side. They're one of my biggest supporters. They enjoy working with me.

Like I want you to imagine, I know there's someone in your life that already feels that way, and how do you act when you're in their presence? You're calm, you're relaxed, you're being yourself. You're having fun. You're taking risks, right? Like you're not worried about any kind of judgment. Hopefully, right, from this person because you feel safe, you feel supported, you feel seen, you feel valued because you know that they love you.

Okay? And this is the purpose of this tool. Again, it's not to validate your self worth or to prove something to yourself or to prove that you're good enough, right? It's not about that. It's really just about giving yourself permission and access to feel how you wanna feel when you're around them. And it's just like way easier when you're already believing that someone loves you.

So, Just gonna say this again, don't take this episode and use it against yourself. Just really hear me. This can be a tool for you to create safety, ease, and comfort when you're around new people, okay? Just decide that they love you. And so I'm gonna tell you, and here's the thing, right? We're gonna talk about what it looks like, oppositely, because I want you to imagine you're going in to audition for someone.

And I don't know, I always think of auditions because we're in them a lot, but like, think about an audition when you're like, Oh, I don't know. I don't think this casting director really likes me, but let me go anyways. Right? Like, or this, this choreographer just really doesn't care for me. Like you could go into an audition with those thoughts and you could potentially even feel neutral about them, but think about the possibility or lack of possibility that's being created in that moment.

Because again, it's not about really whether someone air quote likes you or loves you, right? Like it doesn't change your personal value or your personal worth. But what do you think is happening when you're thinking about working with this person who doesn't like you?

I just think it decreases the chances that you believe they want to hire you or that they want to work with you. And you could argue that like, Okay, but I don't really wanna work with them then. Don't go to the audition. And I just think that that's maybe not the most truthful thing, because if you're at the audition, you wanna get hired and it would be in support of you to believe that they want to work with you, right? And so like you can find the verbiage that feels best for you, but like I just choose to think they freaking love me. Of course they wanna hire me, they love me, they wanna work with me.

And so I'm gonna give you a real life example of this, okay? There is a choreographer director that I've been in for a few times, and there was an audition experience that I went in and was not my best self, if I'm being completely transparent. It was after an amazing celebration of closing a Broadway show and. I'll be just, I'm just gonna be honest and own it. I was a little hungover the next day. I was tired. But my agent was like, This is the only freaking day. You have to be there. I was like, Okay. So I decided to go and looking back, could I have made some other choices to fully support myself in being there a hundred percent, but this is what happened.

Okay. I showed up tired, hungover a little bit not my best self, not fully present, and cause of the result of that audition, I created a story in my brain that this director/ choreographer did not like me . And for a while, I carried that thought and that belief with me. I was like, Oh, they just don't like me. I didn't make a good impression that day. They just don't like me. They don't wanna work with me. They never hire me, right?

So even though I was going in for other projects that this person was working on, I was like, Oh, their associate loves me, but like they just don't like me. And so I'm never gonna book. But I want you to think about the dissonance or the lack of clarity, certainty, and commitment to booking these shows when I was believing that this person didn't like me.

There was always a lack of belief, and we know the belief is the most important thing. We know that the belief creates the possibility, and we need the belief before the result.

So I remember noticing that I was having this thought and I was like, That is so silly. Why am I choosing to believe that this person does not like me? That makes no sense. So knowing what I know, I went back to the drawing board and I started actively believing that this person loves me, this person wants to work with me. Like they just think I'm the freaking best.

Right? And again, it's not like I was like going, running around telling everyone and their mom that this was what was happening. I wasn't like posting this on Instagram. I was just using thoughts intentionally in my brain to create new beliefs, right? It was an internal thing that I was thinking and shifting for myself. I was changing the vibration and my frequency around this person. So I just started practicing thinking, this person loves me. They wanna work with me. They're like my biggest fan.

And I want you to just be aware of what's coming up in your brain right now.

Are you like, Oh my goodness, I could never. Or like, This is wild. This doesn't work. Just, just take a mental note. Okay. But, so I started thinking these thoughts and I just started believing them and like it started impacting how I was showing up. It started, you know, changing the way I felt when I was in an audition for this specific creative team.

Okay. I worked on that thought and that belief for a while, months, maybe even years. Like I literally actively have been thinking these thoughts for a while. And a few months ago I did a, I guess you could say like a masterclass with a well known casting director. And it was one of those kinds of things where you could ask questions and get feedback and, you know, run material for them.

And so one of the things I mentioned was like, you know, I really love this creative team and I'd really love to work with them. Um, and I'm really interested in new musicals. And I was just very clear and confident about what I was wanting to create in my career. And you know what the casting director freaking said to me? They said, Yeah, Kelli, you know, that choreographer actually really loves you. They think you're hilarious. And you know, you almost looked this thing multiple times and in that moment I was like dying, laughing. But also just like, it just felt like, of course they said this because I've been creating this belief in my brain for years. Like I've been creating this possibility in my own brain. So of course it's being reflected back.

And so here's the. Again, it's not about this person, this choreographer liking me, right? Like that doesn't have to change how I think and feel about me, but it does add to me being my best self in the room, and it increases my chances of working with this person.

It also minimized any freaking mind chatter that I was having in my own brain about like, Oh my gosh, do they like me? Are they watching me? Are they looking at me? Does it seem like they're pleased? Like, am I winning them over? Like any kind of bullshit thoughts like that, like I don't have in my brain anymore when I go into an audition room or a class or literally any circumstance.

I just decide ahead of time that people love me. And if they don't, it's not a problem. It's not gonna change how I think and feel about myself, but it is gonna give me, again, permission and freedom to just show up as my fullest, truest, most authentic self. Okay?

And it goes back to like, okay, chicken or the egg, did they always like me? Did this thought like literally manifest this result and like, we'll never know. Okay? But it doesn't hurt to think the thought.

So the next time you notice your brain wanting to have thoughts about someone else, thinking thoughts about you, just make it simple. Just decide that they already freaking love you. Again, not for them. Not to prove anything. Not to show off or, I don't know, any other weird thought you're having and making it mean. It doesn't have to mean anything except for your choosing to believe that so you can feel the most alive, comfortable, and the most yourself.

And like again, it just increases and adds to the possibilities of the universe when you're telling yourself that they wanna work with you. That they enjoy working with you. That of course they're gonna hire you again. It takes all of the other distractions out of your brain when you're working with them and when you're in their presence, so they actually can experience the true you. Which of course, when they witness and experience how amazing you are, it's gonna be inevitable that they're gonna wanna work with you again.

Okay, so I hope that helps and pay attention to how much more space you have in your brain to actually focus on the task at hand. Again, whether it's like a class or an audition or whatever, you're just gonna have so much more mental energy and space and calm to focus on what you're doing instead of thinking thoughts about the other person or creative team that's involved. It's just not useful. And it's just way more fun to believe they already love you and they're on your side. All right, I will meet you back here for another episode.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and if you did, make sure to share it with a friend who is also an actor, singer, or dancer. You can also help spread the word by leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts in order to help people find this resource.

Lastly, you can find me on Instagram @kelliyoungmanwellness, and if you're interested in coaching, make sure to head to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch to join my list now. See you soon.