Ep 11: Reclaiming Authenticity in Personal Relationships

In this episode, we're gonna be talking about emotional wealth through the lens of personal relationships. I'm gonna share the impact that it can make in your life when you're doing this work for yourself. Let's do this.

Hello, You are listening to The Love Your Life as a Performer podcast. I'm Kelli Youngman, and I am the Life Coach for Performers. I help actors, singers, and dancers love themselves and their lives way more. So keep listening to learn how you can love your life - both on and off the stage.

Hello and welcome back to episode 11. You know, I have just been thinking deeply about what I wanted to share on this episode of the podcast, and I wanna go on a slightly different direction. Because I know, especially the last episode, we talked a lot about self tapes and auditions and a lot of the episodes have been geared towards yourself as a performer.

And here's the thing, the work that I do with my clients and what I want you to take away from this podcast is that loving your life as a performer doesn't only mean hitting milestones in your career, right? Like what I really mean and what I envision for the performing arts industry is that performers are genuinely loving their lives more. Like loving who they are, loving the way they get to move through the world, loving the way they feel on a day to day basis. Right? Like actually genuinely loving your life as a performer, right? 

And so I've just been thinking about what that means and how I can also, just keep sharing from that lens as well. Because of course, the way we think and how we relate to our careers adds to the amount of love that we're able to feel and adds to the amount of enjoyment, right? Like they go hand in hand, right? Like I just think about the idea of like how we do one thing is how we do everything. And I just wanna make sure that we're really focused on loving all aspects of your life, right? That's what we're here to do.

And so when I was thinking about what I wanted to share in the podcast, I was really just looking at damn. What an impact life coaching has had on my life. Like truly, deeply. I've just been thinking so much about how I've changed, how my personality has changed, how my ambitions have changed, like literally everything.

And the thing that's been on my mind lately is this past weekend was my brother and sister-in-law's baby shower , and it was so cute. Right? And I was just thinking back to like two years ago, right when like there was like other family things happening and I was just watching myself engage with my family in such a vastly different, Like I was just so much more present and engaged and open and generous and loving and compassionate in ways that my past self would've been short, argumentative, impatient. My family can attest to this, right? That like there would've been lots of times that I was annoyed around my family and yeah, I think that honestly is one of the things that has changed in my life so significantly, my relationship with my family.

And so all of this got me thinking about the idea of emotional wealth. I've seen a lot of coaches use this term lately, and it's been interesting cause I'm like, Oh, okay,  that's interesting. And I've just been thinking mostly about what that means to me. What does it mean to me? As a coach, as a human, as a performer to have emotional wealth. And so I don't know what it means to those other coaches, but I'm gonna tell you what it started to mean for me, right?

And sort of through the lens of my relationship with my family. Because again, such a big part of coaching is that you get to decide. You get to be the one creating whatever relationship you want to. Oh my gosh, it's making me emotion. You get to decide whatever relationship you wanna have with everyone and everything in your life.

Whew.

Because truly, like I think back to myself and the thoughts I used to think about myself and my family was just that it was not possible for me to be close to them, right? Like I had this whole story. And you can just think about this as I talk about it. You can think about how it applies to you. Maybe it's not your family, maybe it's your friends, or maybe it's your cast members, or maybe it's, you know, Again, you can be thinking about this too, how it applies to your career as well.

Right? But it goes back to that we are the ones who get to write the story. And when we're not opening ourselves up to new possibilities, those possibilities just never will exist. And again this is just one of my biggest gifts from coaching. Especially with my family. But I know that, a lot of clients have come to me and felt this way about their families too, so I just thought it'd be valuable to share. Right. Because we get to decide how we're gonna show up.

Okay. So going back to the story I was painting, right? It's just like, I used to be really jealous or envious, right? When I saw people so close with their families and I was like, I just don't understand, right? Like my family's amazing. I love my family and I've always been like ride or die for my family, but it never felt like I could actually be my authentic self with them. Right, Like there was the me that I was with my friends or with my partner, and then there was the me that I was around my family. And I just always noticed this gap.

And I even noticed my other siblings being able to communicate and be really open with my parents and like sort of have this bond that I was like, What is happening? Like why am I not having that experience with them? And I remember actually telling my sister, one of my sisters like, Yeah, I just don't get it. I just feel like I can't talk to our parents the way you do. She was like, Huh, that's so interesting. And yeah, I don't know.

And so I really like, I remember taking this to my coach and thinking about it and wanting to intentionally bridge that gap for myself, right? Like start being my authentic self in all of my life, not just parts of it, right?

So, about a year ago. I went to a sort of like retreat, event. It was called Game Changer, and it was led by my coach's coach at the time, Devon Bandison. He's amazing and I remember like really digging so freaking deep in my own brain, like really being willing to look at like, why am I creating this result for myself?

Why is my relationship with my family this way? What are my thoughts? Right?  But what was necessary to even go that deep was a willingness to take responsibility for the result that was being created. And I think especially in relationships, it's so easy to go to blaming the other person or waiting on the other person, again, whether it's a partner, a family member, a sibling, a friend, right?

And it can become like, well, that's on them. But we forget that like we are also creating the experience we're having. So it starts with being willing to take ownership. Being willing to take responsibility and to be the person who can look at this and say, How am I creating this too? Right. If it's not just one person, if it's a dynamic, if it's two people, if it's being co-created, what are my thoughts about this? Right? So I think it starts with that.

But we did this whole exercise there about reclaiming authenticity and just being willing to, one, own it, but then two, also own what you're wanting to create. Right? Like I remember there was this exercise that I've actually had some of my clients do, and it's also like had ripple effects in their lives of just really owning up to the fact that like I've been inauthentic. Like I have been acting like blank, but what I really want is blank. And I'm hoping that a new possibility that we can co-create is this. Right?

So I actually remember standing on the beach and being so afraid to call my parents and have this conversation with them, like it felt like life or death. It felt like I was about to like, I don't know like open myself up to rejection or judgment or you know, I don't know, like I just really remember like my heart racing before I had this phone call. And I remember calling them and just saying like exactly what I just said. I've been inauthentic. I have been acting like I don't care if we're close, like I don't mind that, you know, we only see each other, in this way because I keep myself at a distance. That's actually not what I want. What I really want is for us to be close, for us to know each other as adults, and for us to be able to have like conversations regularly and to feel like, yeah, that I know you as a human, Like that's really important to me. And so a new possibility that I'd love to create is that we just talk more and that we see each other more and that we are open. And that was it.

And I just let myself have this conversation with both of my parents separately and allowed them to respond, and it was like so freaking emotional. But it was also like so beautiful, because at the end of the day, that's what they want too.

Right? And in order to get to that point, I had to be really willing to see the ways that I was creating this narrative for myself, right? I had to be willing to see how I was kind of putting this wall up and how I was like kind of telling myself in the back of my head that I was better than them. Right, that I know how the universe works and they don't get it and blah, blah, blah.

Right? We go to that place of being a little bit pretentious and almost using our belief systems as just this like moral superiority. I remember my coach, one of my coaches talking about this, and I just thought it was so profound, right? How we start using things that we believe as ways to like prop ourselves up when really, we're all here. We're all having human experiences, and everyone has their own beliefs for their own specific reasons, right? We don't have to get so deep into it, but just think about if there's ways in your life or with people in your life that you are telling yourself that you are better than them because, dot dot dot. Right?

And so this example, this way that I reclaimed authenticity with my parents has changed so much when I wasn't blaming our relationship on them and I took ownership for it and I was clear in what I was wanting to create. We've been able to create that. And like there's still lots of work, right?

My brother's baby shower is sparking it because a couple years ago during the pandemic, they got married and I'm just thinking about the way I was able to show up to their wedding and the way I was able to be present with my family and to enjoy their company and what became possible from having that conversation. Not only with them, but honestly with myself, right? Like with myself, looking at how am I creating this?

So again, when I think about emotional wealth, that's what I think about. Having the ability to love people around me, even when we're different. Having the ability to be compassionate and patient with myself and others when I'm not feeling my best, right? Being willing to experience a circumstance that's challenging and still have my back and love myself and honor that I am human and I do make mistakes sometimes, and I'm willing to own that in like such a deeper way.

And so I'm just gonna share again what I think coaching has offered me in terms of really owning my relationships and the way I relate to things and people and circumstances, especially people, right?  I think the theme of this podcast has become relationships and emotional wellness, emotional wealth, but, so I'm just gonna share some of the things that really have stuck for me, and then I'm gonna share some of what the tangible results look like and what could be possible, especially if there's relationships in your life that you're wanting to deepen or change or, Yeah, just like be actively, consciously creating instead of just accepting them for what they are. Okay.

So here's some of the things that I jotted down that I think have really changed the way I show up in relationships, right? Like again, taking and reclaiming my authenticity of really knowing how I feel and not trying to mitigate how someone else is gonna feel, right. Understanding what is mine and what is someone else's. Learning how to understand what it means to hold space for my desires. Making requests and honoring my own boundaries, right? Like being willing to say, This is what I need, and like being willing to prioritize that. I know it sounds so simple, but I think a lot of times we're taught to sort of put other needs ahead of our own, or we're taught to. Yeah, just really be navigating other people's emotions to things that we say or do, and we have to be willing to let other people have their experiences, right, And not be afraid to be judged by them so that's been a huge part of my work. Again, being willing to take full responsibility for my own shit, not being afraid of being wrong, and just, I think I might have already said this, but really learning how to actually be authentic. And being willing to see and witness when there's sort of like facades happening or filters happening in relationships or in conversations. And then just being willing to like own what feels true for me, even if I think I should be feeling some other way, or even if someone else thinks I should be feeling another way. Right? Like really staying true to what is the truth in any given moment. Okay. And so I want you to just think about how would your life be different if you also had these skills and tools, right?

Like what would the impact of that be for the rest of your life? Like I genuinely am like day by day, like deepening this understanding for myself, right? And it blows my mind at what has become possible, like serious. When I stop and think about how far I've come from like me five years ago, 10 years ago, two years ago, I'm just like a totally different human  with a totally different emotional experience of the world and my relationships and the people around me.

Okay, and so now I'm just gonna share some like tangible results because again, maybe this will spark some desires for you or maybe it'll just show you ways that maybe you're wanting this too. Okay. And I know some of these might sound silly, but like to me, this was like the ultimate right.

So especially with my parents, it looks like being able to talk to my mom on the phone for over an hour at a time.  Back in college, I would talk to her for like five minutes and be done right. But actually being able to have a conversation with my mom and like share things that are going on in my life. Talking with my dad in the car when he drove me to the train and just like really telling him about what's lighting me up and what I'm envisioning for the next few years and my, my current passions and just like what I'm excited about stepping into like not only in my career as a performer, but as a life coach, as a business owner, as a woman, like just actually for the first time being able to share that openly.

Letting myself openly cry at my grandfather's funeral without trying to like stuff it down. I don't know about you, but I came from a family where we don't show our emotions too much, right? We talk a lot. For those of you who know, I was adopted. Raised by like Irish Catholics, not like in the air quote, stereotypical Irish Catholic that you think, But like, we don't necessarily talk about our emotions or show our emotions.

So especially in my work with my reiki practitioner and like just letting my emotions be okay, right? Like really holding space for myself and allowing myself to feel my emotions when they come up and to publicly cry and like not be afraid of it was a big deal. Okay. Allowing myself to have fun with my family. Like dancing and being silly at the wedding and being present and not again, having that sort of elitist, I'm better than them feeling like just really being willing to be there with them in that moment, like, I can remember that day so vividly because I was so present and there's just like so many other memories from the past where I don't have that experience because I wasn't there. I didn't wanna be there, right? Celebrating them, releasing the slightly pretentious judgment I used to have. Right. Feeling comfortable when people are stressed and being available to help with dishes or prep at holidays.

And again, I'm not saying I'm perfect, I still have moments where I'm the one who's stressed and I'm like, What are you doing? Get outta the kitchen. Right? But I literally went from seeing my family once or twice a year to at least once a month, sometimes more, because I allowed myself to want to have a relationship with them in this way. Wanting to generously show up when I choose to without resenting being asked. Right? Like being willing to, to know when I have the bandwidth to take something. And then not straddling like, Oh my God, that was so, I'm so burdened by them asking, right? Like being responsible for what I choose to take on so that when I do it feels really good. And again, just like generally being closer with them because I'm choosing to intentionally create the relationship I want instead of waiting for it to magically happen.

And I think, I think that is just like the biggest thing. Sometimes we sort of surrender and it's like we think it's out of our hands. We think things just are the way they are. Like, this just is how it is with my family and blah, blah, blah. But like what happens when you allow yourself to be willing to create new possibilities again in your relationships with others, with yourself, with circumstances like when you are willing to own your part of any relationship, it can just change so significantly.

Okay. Yeah, that's what I have to say for this week. And if you are looking to create more emotional wealth in your life, right? Think about what that means for you. What would it mean to like not be walking around all day like being a really mean person to yourself, like shaming yourself, judging yourself, criticizing yourself, but then also doing that to others.

What would change for you? What would change in your relationships if you were opening up new possibilities for them, whether it's a partner, a family member, et cetera. Right. I also know that this work, I know I talked mostly through the lens of family in this episode. But like this has had such a huge impact on my relationship with Steve.

You know, we've been together for eight years. We've definitely gone through lots of different seasons, and again, it's just totally changed our dynamic and our communication and the ways we're able to show up for each other, right? I think all of that contributes to emotional wealth.

So if you know that this is something you want to be working on in your life, I'm gonna invite you to go to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/launch to book a call now.

Emotional wealth is available to you right now without anything changing, right? It's something that's created by you in your own brain and it gets to change the way you move through the world all day, every day. And I just think it is like the most important thing. This kind of work has truly changed my life, and I know for a fact that it also has the ability to change yours. Okay, I'll meet you back here for another episode.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and if you did, make sure to share it with a friend who is also an actor, singer, or dancer. You can also help spread the word by leaving this review wherever you listen to podcasts in order to help people find this resource.

Lastly, you can find me on Instagram @kelliyoungmanwellness, and if you're interested in coaching, make sure to head to kelliyoungmanwellness.com/waitlist to join my list now. See you soon.